Are women better off alone?

Single and loving it

Marriage is no magic bullet for happiness, some say. But medical studies show just the opposite — that married people are happier and healthier than single women. The pressure to marry is even greater than ever, says Bella M. DePaulo, PhD, social psychologist at the University of California, Santa Barbara, and author of the book Singled Out.

"It’s an old-fashioned message, that you’re better off if you find a man," DePaulo tells WebMD. "It’s this idea that you can be single, have your big career and all your friends, but that’s not the route to happiness, it’s not deep or meaningful like marriage is. That’s ridiculous. The best friendships often last longer than marriages…you don’t have ridiculous expectations of your friends like you do a spouse." Yes, those old, mopey stereotypes are still alive and kicking.

"The stereotypes that single women are either promiscuous or don’t get any are a scam," she says. "It’s like if you’re married, all you have to do is roll over and have perfect sex. Anyone who reads the divorce columns knows that’s not true! Single women can now get sex outside of marriage. It’s probably quaint not to. Single women can even have kids without a husband, and without having sex!"

Marriage isn’t a magic bullet for a wonderful life, says DePaulo. "But it has that appeal that you will meet this person and everything falls into place. Yet if you look to one person to be everything, it’s not fair to that person, not fair to you, and it’s not healthy. And if the marriage doesn’t last, it’s devastating."

One study tracking 1,000 couples for 15 years found that marriage brought only a "tiny blip" of happiness during the brief time closest to the wedding ceremony. "But on average, afterwards, people go back to way they were before.

Here’s an eye-opener: In one survey, moms were asked what they most wanted as a Mother’s Day gift. "The overwhelming answer was ‘time to myself.’

"Women who have the dream — marriage and kids — just want time to themselves," says DePaulo.

It’s no wonder single women have great networks of friends. More women are single today than ever before, DePaulo notes. "The age at which people first marry has been climbing for some time now. The divorce statistics are still high. Women are less likely to remarry after divorce than men.

"Women live longer than men. There are more widowed older women than men."

Most women, by nature, make friendships fairly easily, she says. Men have a tougher time bonding with other guys.

"Men tend to have a certain homophobia about hanging out with another guy," DePaulo tells WebMD. "Things women do, like hanging out with female friends, men don’t feel comfortable doing. For men it’s not so easy to sit down and have coffee or a long leisurely dinner with another guy. There has to be some pretext for it, like a business lunch, eating before playing basketball etc. If men could have real relationships with men, it would be different for them."

Wives or girlfriends are typically a man’s confidantes. When that relationship is over, the emotional support often ends for him. For women, female friends are their best friends, too. Also, women tend to make new friends as they get older, she adds.

However, being a single woman isn’t all sex and roses. You’ve got all those household bills, too — and you’re the only one paying them.

"A single woman’s happiness depends partly on whether she can carry herself financially…so she can do the things she wants to do," says Pepper Schwartz, PhD, a professor of sociology, psychiatry, and behavioral medicine at the University of Washington in Seattle.

"In the past, many women turned to traditional married life because financially they had a difficult time on their own," Schwartz tells WebMD.

"If they found a man who made a good-enough living, it made life easier.

"For some women, it’s still that way. But now women can get high-paying jobs, which make a huge difference for them."

Also, some women aren’t good at making friends, Schwartz says. "People have different talents, and surrounding themselves with friends is one that not all have. A friend to go on a trip with, to movie festivals with, to drop in when you’re feeling sick — all those people can substitute for a mate."

Those single women must realise that they are "the architects of their own expansion," Schwartz tells WebMD. "Develop a broad number of interests — classes, volunteer work, travel plans, political involvement. What you’re fighting is that home-alone syndrome. You’re making sure people will take you out of everyday life maintenance. When you have a partner, their interests help extend your life. When you’re single, you have to build that in."

But on their worst days, single women worry about old age and dying alone — or with only their cats at their side. "Do you think marrying cures that?" asks DePaulo. "You and your husband would have to die at the same instant for that not to happen to you! If you get sick, don’t assume your mate will be the one nursing you. Maybe he just can’t deal with your illness. Or he could be the one with the big physical issues, and that will tie you down. There are certainly cases of younger women marrying older men. Then he gets sick, and she ends up taking care of him."

Women are more unlikely to be alone in old age because they have nurtured friendships. They are more likely to have people in their lives. That’s why a sense of community is so important, she says.

"Most of us are happier with a sense of community inside the larger, less friendly world," DePaulo tells WebMD. "Life gets a little harder as we get older. There are more chances of health issues, which would be unpleasant under any circumstance. You have to make sure you have someone looking after you."

Adriyel and the Chocolate Factory

My sister Ru’s eyes flashed dangerously as we had our customary family discussion around the dining table. A procedure that could last from anywhere between 10 minutes to four hours — depending on our schedules, the time of day and the day itself.  

Regardless, my sister’s eyes continued to flash and flicker like an annoying light bulb. ‘Adriyel,’ she sternly looked at her eight year old. ‘You have eaten eight Toblerones. How could you possibly eat so many? It’s so bad for you. How many times do I have to tell you that?’ she reprimanded in righteous anger. Being a doctor Ru keeps a close watch on her off springs’ diets, but as you can see it isn’t easy.  

Adriyel’s eyes began to tear up, and the corner of his little mouth trembled. ‘No Ammi. I didn’t,’ he pleaded, the picture of young innocence unjustly wronged. ‘I didn’t Ammi, I didn’t eat eight pieces of Toblerone,’ he continued, his eyes still welling up. His face drenched with mortification at having been so falsely accused.  Suddenly he straitened up and his eyes twinkled merrily. ‘Ammi,’ he said as sternly as possible. ‘I didn’t eat eight pieces, in fact I ate THIRTEEN pieces,’ he said truthfully. ‘Ha Haaa fooled you,’ he cried knowing that we had already melted like hot chocolate at his bogus tears. 

The imp then galloped along to boss our cook, Kanthi — his other hobby. Not that Kanthi doesn’t spoil the little fellow rotten. Indulging him at every turn and laughing hysterically at his antics.    

Kanthi and he are the best of buddies, despite the banter. The other day the poor woman had not made his favourite fish dish. ‘Kanthi, where is it?’ The little tyrant inquired. Kanthi turned to my sister. ‘Ne hamu mang hithuwa babaala practice gihilla re wei. Ithing kana ekak ne kiyala,’ she explained. Adriyel settled a mock vitriolic eye on the long suffering domestic aide. ‘Kanthi’, he said with a firm voice. ‘What have I told you? Don’t think. Just know.’ He translated. ‘Hithanna epa. Denaganna.’ 

 We realised early that the little deceiver was a consummate actor. He also had a clever sense of humour quite surprising in one so young. Little wonder then that the fellow cannot be kept away from Uncle Jerome’s Workshop Players’ sessions of a Sunday and is over the moon despite the wholly necessary but long practice hours, to be participating in Jerome’s latest production Bugsy Malone.  

It is no less surprising in one so young, that one so young and relatively skinny, can devour so many chocolates. It is nothing to him to hold in one hand a large slab of Cadbury’s milk chocolate and hold in the other hand a sizeable bowl of Milo and take alternative mouthfuls of each.  

A duty free bag full of chocolates will disappear in two days though the little rascal does feel bad sometimes, and doles out one small piece of something each for the rest of us.

Rahelle my 13 year old niece merely rolls her eyes up in sophisticated disgust at all this chocolate eating, while Mahalya my 11 year old niece pouts a little as she looks on longingly – and Malli usually doles her out a few pieces.  

The other day I was sorting out a modest bag of chocolates I had brought from the Airport Duty Free to give as gifts. My sister peered in at my work and asked me why I was painstakingly keeping aside the milk chocolates and the Toblerones. ‘Well, Adriyel will scold if I give those away,’ I said. And I swear I shivered a little as I said it. ‘Don’t be silly Punchie,’ Ru, said. Always the down to earth one in the family. ‘Don’t spoil him.’  

‘What spoiling’ I said grumpily, ‘I’m scared of him.’  

Just at that moment the delightful fellow comes trilling along the banister and falls over and hugs both Topsy and Tipsy my Shiatsu/Terrier and Chi Hwa Hwa/Pomeranian respectively.  Topsy and Tipsy of course, as greedy as ever are circling at my feet waiting in hope for some morsel (despite having partaken heartily of their usual victuals) when ever I’m in the pantry.  

Adriyel immediately opens the fridge and feeds them a piece of fish each and continues hugging them to death. So darn fond is he of the large number of animals in the house, our little chap wouldn’t bat an eyelid to give them large slabs of delicious chocolates that he would have liked to have gobbled down himself.  

As it turns out, chocolate is bad for dogs. That worked out well didn’t it?   

Rabbada Aiya

Wish list

Hello boys and girls,

Today Chee Chee is on leave but old Rubs would like to leave the following thoughts of Sri Lanka’s most celebrated, adopted Homo sapien, Sir Arthur C. Clarke with you for your enlightenment. Hope you find this inspiring ...

Real words of wisdom from a modern day prophet 
— Dr. Arthur C. Clarke

Hello! This is Arthur Clarke, speaking to you from my home in Colombo, Sri Lanka.

As I approach my 90th birthday, my friends are asking how it feels like, to have completed 90 orbits around the Sun. ...In my time I’ve been very fortunate to see many of my dreams come true! Growing up in the 1920s and 1930s, I never expected to see so much happen in the span of a few decades. We ‘space cadets’ of the British Interplanetary Society spent all our spare time discussing space travel — but we didn’t imagine that it lay in our own near future…

I still can’t quite believe that we’ve just marked the 50th anniversary of the Space Age! We’ve accomplished a great deal in that time, but the ‘Golden Age of Space’ is only just beginning. After half a century of government-sponsored efforts, we are now witnessing the emergence of commercial space flight...

I have great faith in optimism as a guiding principle, if only because it offers us the opportunity of creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. So I hope we’ve learnt something from the most barbaric century in history — the 20th.

I would like to see us overcome our tribal divisions and begin to think and act as if we were one family. That would be real globalisation… As I complete 90 orbits, I have no regrets and no more personal ambitions. But if I may be allowed just three wishes, they would be these.

Firstly, I would like to see some evidence of extra-terrestrial life. I have always believed that we are not alone in the universe. But we are still waiting for ETs to call us — or give us some kind of a sign. We have no way of guessing when this might happen — I hope sooner rather than later!

Secondly, I would like to see us kick our current addiction to oil, and adopt clean energy sources. For over a decade, I’ve been monitoring various new energy experiments, but they have yet to produce commercial scale results. Climate change has now added a new sense of urgency. Our civilisation depends on energy, but we can’t allow oil and coal to slowly bake our planet…

The third wish is one closer to home. I’ve been living in Sri Lanka for 50 years — and half that time, I’ve been a sad witness to the bitter conflict that divides my adopted country. I dearly wish to see lasting peace established in Sri Lanka as soon as possible. But I’m aware that peace cannot just be wished — it requires a great deal of hard work, courage and persistence.

I’m sometimes asked how I would like to be remembered. I’ve had a diverse career as a writer, underwater explorer, space promoter and science populariser. Of all these, I want to be remembered most as a writer — one who entertained readers, and, hopefully, stretched their imagination as well. I find that another English writer — who, coincidentally, also spent most of his life in the east — has expressed it very well.

So let me end with these words of Rudyard Kipling: If I have given you delight by aught that I have done, let me lie quiet in that night which shall be yours anon; And for the little, little span the dead are borne in mind, seek not to question other than, the books I leave behind.

This is Arthur Clarke, saying Thank You and Goodbye from Colombo .

Ta Ra and see you next week.

Rabbada Aiya

What the......!

Mayor Grace Saenz-Lopez (Alice, Texas, pop. 19,000) and her twin sister were indicted in January for hiding evidence in a dognapping case. Saenz-Lopez had agreed to baby-sit a shih tzu but, alarmed by the dog’s sickliness, she kept it and lied to the owners that it had died. When it was spotted at a local grooming service, Saenz-Lopez and her sister allegedly began a cover-up that included the mayor once pretending to be her sister. The mayor told her lawyer that if not for her husband, she would go to jail "for the rest of (my) life" rather than give the dog back. Most recently, Saenz-Lopez reported that the dog had run away, but many of her constituents are skeptical.

Among the accusations that emerged from an FBI investigation of the U.S. government’s beleaguered Special Inspector General for Iraq Reconstruction is that the deputy director of that office, Ginger Cruz, a self-described Wiccan, had been threatening to place hexes on employees if they cooperated with outsiders’ evaluations of the agency. (She was cleared of those charges by the internal SIGIR staff.)

Political Campaign Strategies: Lee Myung-bak was elected president of South Korea in December, perhaps attributable in part to his organisation’s spraying a sharp fragrance they call "Great Korea" in the air at campaign events and then on election day at polling places, hoping for an olfactory influence on undecided voters.

A commercial, pre-packaged ham-and-cheese sandwich using one slice of bread is regulated by the U.S. Department of Agriculture, which conducts daily inspections under its jurisdiction, but a ham-and-cheese sandwich on two slices of bread falls to the Food and Drug Administration, which inspects plants about once every five years. A USDA official admitted to the Times that there "is no rationale or logic" behind the distinction: "(I)t’s an issue that makes it look like we don’t know what we’re doing."

Samina Malik, 23, was convicted in a British court in December and given a suspended nine-month sentence for having amassed a large collection of how-to books on terrorism. She came to the authorities’ attention as the self-described "lyrical terrorist" who writes poetry glorifying the Islamic Mujahadeen fighters who specialise in beheadings. (From her How To Behead: Tilt The Fool’s Head To Its Left / Saw The Knife Back And Forth / No Doubt That The Punk Will Twitch And Scream / But Ignore The Donkey’s Ass / And Continue To Slice Back And Forth.)

In January, the Centre for Recent Drawing Art Gallery in a London, England, suburb scheduled a series of 55 works by artist Jordan McKenzie, 40, called "Spent," even though they consist merely of canvases onto which he had ejaculated and covered with carbon sprinkles. McKenzie maintained that the works were "heartfelt and delicate."

Thought for the day  

Confession of error is like a broom that sweeps away dirt and leaves the surface cleaner than before.

A clean confession, combined with a promise never to commit the sin again, when offered before one who has the right to receive it, is the purest type of repentance.

A man who has broken with his past feels a different man. He will not feel it a shame to confess his past wrongs, for the simple reason that these wrongs do not touch him at all.

A sinner is equal to the saint in the eye of God. Both will have equal justice, and both an equal opportunity either to go forward or to go backward. Both are his children, His creation. A saint who considers himself superior to a sinner forfeits his sainthood and becomes worse than the sinner who, unlike the proud saint, knows not what he is doing.