Their imagination might run riot, to use a phrase that is in common usage, now and then. Okay, more now than then, as each tries to device new and hugely unpopular ways to nurture their future and that of their kith and kin.

What after all, is charity, if it does not begin at home? As somebody said the other day politicians with power in their hands take the voters for a ride and take their families also for a ride but the latter at state expense. It is a natural thing to do — I mean take one’s family for a ride. In the old days it was just on a merry-go-round at some school fair or when a carnival comes to town.

Now with air travel made easier and globalisation, the international catchphrase, they are taken on a global merry-go-round.

How nice it must be to hold the reins of power. You can surround yourself and your extended and intended family with five-star comfort and a retinue of centurions like in ancient Rome. And see what happened to ancient Rome and its empire. Not all the panem et circenses of the Roman emperors saved the empire from collapsing under its own weight.

But never mind what happened to the ancient Romans. They were ancient anyway. What concerns me, Pachoris, is this story, as I said that is going round in polite and not so polite society. If it is true then it is going to make our lives in Paradise even more exciting than it is just now.

It is exciting enough right now, dodging bombs planted by inconsiderate psychopaths, avoiding being run over by speeding convoys of assorted vehicles and trying to keep the home fires burning with gas prices being what they are.

So why not a little more excitement in this age of terror and error. It will only increase the incidence of heart attacks and lung infections from paroxysms of laughter, placing even more burdens on our medical staff already grappling with their health minister.

Well the story is that all politicians will be given lessons in the martial arts. They could choose from any one of the different styles — karate, kung fu, taekwando, akido, jiu jitsu or plain and simple adi pudi, a la Sri Lanka. They say that the 2009 budget estimates which will be presented to parliament before long will have allocations granted to both the Ministry of Parliamentary Affairs and the Ministry of Sports to teach martial arts to all — present ones as well as budding and budded politicians.

The allocation for the Sports Ministry is for a crash course before Sri Lanka Cricket’s interim board crashes under the weight of its own loquacity and its tendency to throw its weight around.

Those who are not parliamentarians are not entitled to be trained in the precincts of the Diyawanna Oya and have to acquire their skills at the Sports Ministry’s teaching facility.

The idea of teaching politicians the martial arts suddenly sprouted in a ministerial brain (no cracks please, we are a civilised nation) when he heard about the fracas at last Tuesday’s meeting of the Kelaniya Pradeshiya Sabha where rival politicians engaged in fisticuffs when they could not settle their verbal exchanges earlier in the day.

It was not known at the time of writing whether any of those involved in the reported melee were supporters of Minister Mervyn Silva who seems to have more than a proprietary interest in the Kelaniya electorate.

One report said that the sessions ended with a free-for-all though it did not mention what was free for all. Perhaps it was an after-fisticuffs drink of celebration. But the trouble is if they were expecting some alcoholic beverage they would have been disappointed unless they carried it for the meeting from out of town.

I had read somewhere that Mervyn Silva does not permit the sale of alcohol in his fiefdom which is more than what could be said for some politicians who have thrived on selling liquor licences.

I understand from those who are propagating the idea of martial arts for politicians that the rationale is quite simple. Now that freedom of expression has been discarded as a Western capitalist trick to overpower the small developing countries and subjugate them once more, it has been found that time spent on debating ideas and expressing varied opinions is a waste of time and labour.

So the exchange of ideas is to be replaced with an exchange of blows. Its usefulness has already been proved by last week’s aborted session of the Kelaniya Pradeshiya Sabha.

Just imagine how much time would have been wasted if the members of the ruling party and those of the opposition spent their time debating whether there is mismanagement or not in the sabha.

Instead the matter was quickly settled when members decided to trade blows. One report said…. "The exchange of words quickly turned violent after PS Chairman Prasanna Ranaweera joined in." Obviously Ranaweera being the Chairman knew that he had to be neutral in this matter and probably joined in as an impartial arbitrator.

Personally I don’t think just one chairman is enough. Look at cricket for instance. They have two umpires on the field, another enjoying the game watching on television and a fourth chap in case the players get rowdy and boisterous as they sometimes do.

Now had Ranaweera been specially endowed with the skills of a Bruce Lee, a Chuck Norris or a Jackie Chan, he could have brought the meeting to order by kicking the marauding members in various parts of their anatomy and silencing them promptly. That’s impartiality for you.

To me the idea of teaching all these politicians martial arts sounds great. Just imagine how nice it would be to watch government and opposition parliamentarians kicking each other in the butt. It might not be easy for all of them given the attire of some of our legislators. But then it is an old habit in our Paradise to raise the sarong up to the knee or beyond especially after a bottle or two of raa or a couple of tots of some illicit brew.

Staggering along the road thereafter singing kapalla beepalla jolly karapalla with sarong held high has been such a common sight that it might even win UNESCO recognition as a ‘world heritage sight’ if only we had the courage to make an application.

If kick boxing is introduced in parliament in place of those screaming matches that pass off as intelligent and edifying debates we can even sell television rights to cover the daily proceedings and earn what some media call "valuable foreign exchange."

In times of need we must come up with novel ideas. This would then be the true "mother of all parliaments." Why, if we rush we could patent this under the Intellectual Property Law before some Tamil Nadu or Bollywood entrepreneur steals the idea.