Humour

Polish Remover

One day an immigrant from Poland entered a New York City Police Precinct to report that his American wife was planning to kill him.

The police officer on duty was intrigued by this, and he asked, “How sure are ya that she is gonna kill ya? Did she threaten to kill ya?”

“No,” replied the nervous immigrant.

“Did ya hear her tell someone else that she’s gonna kill ya?”

“No.”

“Did someone tell ya that your wife is gonna kill ya?”

“No.”

“Then why in God’s name did ya think she’s gonna kill ya?” asked the exasperated police officer.

“Because I found bottle on dresser and I think she gonna poison me!” He handed the police officer the suspect bottle.

The police officer took one look at the label on the bottle and started to laugh out loud.

The immigrant became indignant and said, “What’s so funny? Can’t you see the label on bottle says ‘Polish Remover’?”

Then And Now

For the first time in many years, an old man traveled from his rural town to the city to attend a movie.

After buying his ticket, he stopped at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn. Handing the attendant $1.50, he couldn’t help but comment, “The last time I came to the movies, popcorn was only 15 cents.”

“Well, sir,” the attendant replied with a grin, “You’re really going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now.”

Shall I Compare Thee….

Woman’s Quote of the Day: “Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it’s our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something with which you’d like to have dinner with.”

Men’s Counter-Quote:

“Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache.”

Scary Dads

Two kids are arguing over whose father is the biggest scaredy-dad.

The first kid says, “My dad is so scared that when lightning strikes, he hides underneath the bed.”
The second kid replies, “Yeah? Well, that’s nothing. My dad is so scared that when my mom has to work the nightshift, he sleeps with the lady next door.”

Losing The Way

The doctor told Sardarji that if he ran eight kilometers a day for 300 days, he would lose 34 kilos. At the end of 300 days, Sardarji called the doctor to report he had lost the weight, but he had a problem.

“What’s the problem?” asked the doctor.

“I am  2400 kms from  home,” he said.

The Division

Two boy scouts went on a nature hike in the hills picking hickory nuts. Along the way, they filled their small pails and then started to fill their pockets and shirts. When they could hold no more nuts, they started down the country road until they came across a cemetery. The boys decided that would be a good place to stop and rest and divide out the nuts.

The two boys sat in the shade of a large oak tree and unloaded their pockets and buckets by dumping all of the nuts in a large pile.

In the process, two of them rolled away and rested near the road. The boys then proceeded to divide out the nuts. “One for you. One for me. One for you. One for me.”

As they were doing this, another boy was passing by and happened to hear them. He looked into the cemetery, but could not see the boys, because they were obscured by the tree. He hesitated a moment and then ran back to town.

“Father! Father!” he yelled as he entered his house. “The cemetery. Come quick!”

“What’s the matter?” his father asked.

“No time to explain,” the boy frantically panted. “Follow me!”

The boy and his father ran up the country road and stopped when they reached the cemetery. They stopped at the side of the road and fell silent for a few moments. Then the father asked his son what was wrong.

“Do you hear that?” he whispered. Both people listened intently and heard the scouts. “One for me. One for you. One for me. One for you…”

The boy then blurted out, “The devil and the Lord are dividing the souls!”

The father was skeptical but silent — until a few moments later as the scouts completed dividing out the nuts and one scout said to the other, “Now, as soon as we get those two nuts down by the road, we’ll have them all.”