Humour
Can You Repeat Please?
A woman telephoned her local newspaper to let them know that she had just given birth to 18 children. The reporter didn’t quite hear the message and said, “Would you repeat that?”
“Not if I can help it,” replied the woman.
Too Late
Reporter: My editor sent me to do the burglary.
Policeman: You’re too late — it’s already been done.
Flag That Depicts Taxes
A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag. “Our flag symbolises our taxes,” he said. “We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them.”
“That’s the same with us,” the American said, “only we see stars, too.”
True Story
Supposedly G.B. Shaw once sent Winston Churchill some tickets for the first night of one of his plays.
Churchill then sent Shaw a telegram to the effect: “Cannot come first night. Will come second night if you have one.”
Shaw promptly replied: “Here are two tickets for the second night. Bring a friend if you have one.”
Great Political Sayings
There’s one thing the Democrats and Republicans share in common: People’s money.
…Veni, Vedi, Clinti–I came, I saw, I lied.
A little girl asked her father, “Daddy? Do all Fairy Tales begin with ‘Once Upon A Time’?”
He replied, “No, there is a whole series of Fairy Tales that begin with ‘If elected I promise’.”
Angry
Worried because they hadn’t heard anything for days from the widow in the neighbouring apartment, Mrs. Silver said to her son, “Timmy, would you go next door and see how old Mrs. Kirkland is?”
A few minutes later, Timmy returned.
“Well,” asked Mrs. Silver, “is she all right?”
“She’s fine, except that she’s angry at you.”
“At me?” the woman exclaimed. “Whatever for?”
“She said ‘It’s none of your business how old she is,’” snickered Timmy.
Looks Can Be Deceptive
A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.
“I couldn’t help noticing how happy you look,” she said. “What’s your secret for a long happy life?”
“I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day,” he said. “I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise.”
“That’s amazing,” the woman said. “How old are you?’
“Twenty-six,” he said.
Do You Have Laundry Problems?
TV commercials now show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem — Jerry Seinfeld.
Nothing worse
I can’t think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember the name, or how you met, or why they’re dead. (Laura Kightlinger)
