Humour

Nut Problems

A hospital psychologist decided to take his mental patients to a baseball game. He coached his patients with simple cues to avoid unwanted anxiety and social awkwardness.

When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well.

As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, “Up, nuts!” The inmates stood up. After the anthem, he yelled, “Down, nuts!” They all sat.

After a home run, he yelled, “Cheer, nuts!” They all broke into applause.

Since everything was going smoothly, he left his assistant in charge while he ran to the restroom.

When he returned, there was a riot in progress. “What happened?” he asked his assistant.

“Everything was fine until some guy showed up selling peanuts!”

Golden Cafe

A journalist  ended up getting drunk at this place called the Golden Cafe.

Well, he comes home and tells his wife, ‘You wouldn`t believe it there! The floor is gold, the ceiling`s gold, the chandelier is gold, even the urinals are gold!’

The wife can`t believe this so she calls the place up and asked to speak with the manager. She said, `Is it true that your floor is gold?’

The guy says, ‘Yes.’

The wife continues down the list. `Is it true that even your urinals are gold?’ The manager turns around to another guy and says, ‘Hey, I think we found the guy who messed up your saxophone last night.’

No Sleep

An exhausted man dragged himself in to the doctor`s office. “Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighbourhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can`t get a wink of sleep.”

“I have good news for you,” the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications. “Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over.”

“Great,” said the man.  “I`ll try anything. Let`s give it a shot.”

A few weeks later the man returned, looking worse than ever. “Doc, your plan is no good. I`m more tired than before!”

“I don`t understand how that could be”, said the doctor, shaking his head. “Those are the strongest pills on the market!”

“That may be true,” he said, “but I`m still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it`s hard getting him to swallow the pill!!”

Bird Lover!

There was this man who was an evening bird lover. One day he stood in his backyard and heard an owl hoot. So he thought he`d give a hoot back. To his surprise and delight the bird hooted again.

The next night the same scenario occurred. All summer, the man and his feathered friend hooted back and forth. He even kept a log of the “conversations.” Just as he thought he was on the verge of a breakthrough in interspecies communication, his wife, had a chat with her neighbour next door.

“My husband spends his nights calling to owls,” she said. “That`s odd,” the neighbour replied. “So does my husband.”

Devastated Politician

Lankanews: A tragic fire on Monday destroyed the personal library of
a top politician in Sri Lanka.  Both of his books have been lost. A government spokesman said that the politician  was devastated, as
he had not finished colouring the second one.

My Wife Is Selling Drugs!

I think my wife is selling drugs! Yesterday I was running a little bit late for work and the phone rang. I answered it. Before I could say anything a male voice on the line said, Hey honey is that DOPE gone yet?