Humour

Advertising Pays In Laughs….

As the following  real classified classics will demonstrate, there are often more laughs on the advertising and classified pages than you can find in the cartoons and comic strips:

Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.

Dinner Special — Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, pottie chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.

Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.

Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.

For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.

For Sale — Eight puppies from a German Shepherd and an Alaskan Hussy.

Creative daily specials, including select offerings of beef, foul, fresh vegetables, salads, quiche.

Seven ounces of choice sirloin steak, boiled to your likeness and smothered with golden fried onion rings. Great Dames for sale.

Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

20 dozen bottles of excellent Old Tawny Port, sold to pay for charges, the owner having lost sight of, and bottled by us last year.
Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.

If you think you’ve seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin.

Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.

The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities.

Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.

Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.

Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.

Stock up and save. Limit: one. Save regularly in our bank. You’ll never reget it.  We build bodies that last a lifetime.

Offer expires December 31 or while supplies last. This is the model home for your future. It was panned by Better Homes and Gardens.

For Sale–Diamonds $20; microscopes $15. For Rent: 6-room hated apartment. Man, honest. Will take anything.

Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required.

Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel. Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!

Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.  Modular Sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play.

Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential. Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

3-year-old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.

Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.

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Career Decision

There was an old country preacher who had a teenage son. It was getting time the boy should give some thought along the line of choosing a profession.

Like many young men, then and now, the boy didn’t really know what he wanted to do, and he didn’t seem overly concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment.

What he did was, he went into the boy’s room and placed on his study table these three objects: a Bible, a silver dollar, and a bottle of whisky…

“Now then,” the old preacher said to himself, “I’ll just hide behind the door here, and when my son comes home from school this afternoon, I’ll see which of these three objects he picks up.

“If he picks up the Bible, he’s going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be!
If he picks up the dollar, he’s going to be a businessman, and that would be o.k. too.
But if he picks up the bottle, he’s going to be a drunkard — a no-good drunkard and Lord, what a shame that would be.”

The old man was anxious as he waited, and soon he heard his son’s footsteps as he came in the house whistling and headed back to his room.

He deposited his books on the bed, as a matter of routine, and as he turned around to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table.

With a curious set in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

What he finally did was, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm.

He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink…

“Lord have mercy,” the old man whispered, “He’s gonna be a politician.”

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Car Talk

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a Minister, if they could discuss his use of the family car.

His father took him into his study and said, “I’ll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study the Bible a little, get your hair cut and then we’ll talk about it.”

After about a month, the boy came back and again asked his father
if they could discuss his use of the car.
They again went into the father’s study where the father said, “Son, I’ve been very proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you’ve studied the Bible diligently, but you didn’t get your hair cut.”

The young man waited a moment and then replied, “You know, Dad, I’ve been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair.”

The Minister said, “Yes, and everywhere they went, they walked.”