Barack And Mahinda: Best Buddies
Today, we bring to you a World Exclusive: Last week’s exchange of
letters between Percy Mahinda and Barack Obama which reveals the extremely cordial state of relations between the two countries contrary to popular belief.
Percy Mahinda’s letter
My dear Barack,
I wish to convey my very grateful thanks to you and the American people for coming to my rescue and saving me from the dire political straits I was in last week.
For the first time since I became president the people of my country went berserk and took to the streets burning my pictures, calling for my eviction from office and demanding doing away with the fuel hike and consequent increases in the prices of essential commodities, flour, bread, electricity tariffs etc. You know very well Barack of the impossibility of not hiking the price of oil when our Middle East brothers do so. But you lovable Barrack performed a political stunt for me which I never dreamed of.You sent your powerful envoys Maria Otero the Under Secretary of State for Terrorism and that equally adorable Ambassador Robert Blake – who has saved me from similar situations – to Colombo and then you went on to send more hot shots from the State Department and White House to Geneva to condemn Sri Lanka on war crimes. The reaction was instantaneous. The people were back on the streets the next day hailing me as the ‘saviour of the nation’, the ‘Greatest Patriot’ and putting back my picture at the public places from which they were ripped off the previous week while calling you all kinds of nasty names, but never mind. It was all for a good cause, you will realise. Your Ambassador in Colombo Patricia Butenis and her minions would undoubtedly have reported to you about all this but my personal thanks are called for.
Barack you are a miracle, manna sent to me from heaven, may a thousand devas bless you, I will dash coconuts every auspicious day in our kovils for our gods to bless you and also perform Bodhi poojas for you.
You know Barack, we Sri Lankans love you. Your name Barack effortlessly rhymes with Arrack our national drink. In our youth we had a kind of cocktail called Barrack—Beer and Arrack, a sure knock out. Many a glass of Barrack will be raised to you this week, though in secret—alcohol being frowned upon in our country although we can match the best of guzzlers around the globe.
This is also not the first time that you and your diplomats have saved my skin. During the provincial council elections, the last presidential and parliamentary elections you helped me immensely. When my troops were giving the LTTE hell and chasing them round the island, you and your allies demanded a political solution and to halt military action. Our people wanted to end the war with military action, political solutions having failed for 30 years. I became the David standing up to Goliath—you and your allies—as it is seen in Geneva right now.
I swept every election, thanks to your contributions and that of your allies.
Now comes the tricky part. You are twisting my arm to implement recommendations of the LLRC report. You know Barack, the LLRC was made of Commissioners, quite sporty fellows, who made some recommendations to please you and your allies but not to have them implemented, at least not right now. You have been pressing for a long time to investigate the allegations and the LLRC agreed that some of the allegations should be investigated but not within a specified a time frame. You should be pleased that at least recommendations have been made for investigations but not demanded that investigations should follow immediately. This is the Sri Lankan way of doing things. We do not believe that justice delayed is justice denied. Justice delayed, as every lawyer knows, is more money for lawyers. In this instance justice delayed makes it much easier for politicians. I am considered the Macho Man on this island. My brothers and I are considered tough guys who cannot be bullied. If I give into you now it will be like David surrendering to Goliath before the fight and I will lose much of the Southern Sri Lankan vote bank. We will do it ‘quietly, quietly’ as we Sri Lankans say, many more years later. After all for 57 years we have not solved the problem. So what is the great hurry? We cannot do it in one day at Geneva.
Besides you can help Sri Lanka and me by not exhausting the opportunity of moving a resolution on war crimes this time. It could be made use of when I will be in trouble later on when our idiots will take to the streets again
So Barack, call the whole thing off. Do not be angry with us for being chummy with China. Take sanctions off our purchase of oil from Iran – 94 percent of our purchases of oil being from Iran. I will send you the best of Sri Lanka tea, a copy of Mahinda Chintanaya and genuine Sri Lankan blue sapphires for Michelle. By the way, I have not yet seen the inside of the White House which I long to do, as an admirer of America.
Towards stronger Sri Lanka-America ties,
With best wishes Percy Mahinda.
The White House
Dear Percy Mahinda,
Thanks for your letter of Feb. 28. Your profuse appreciation and thanks, I regret to say, are entirely misplaced. American Human Rights policy is not directed to save those who violate human rights but stems from the American Constitution which our founding fathers based on their beliefs in the rights of man. You plead for non implementation of recommendations of the LLRC report on the basis that you are the Macho Man of the nation and succumbing to our demands will make you a simple yahoo – a No Man. In America the president is supposed to be a Superman but I was considered a No Man—a weakling for our performances in Afghanistan and Iraq. For me to be a Superman or at least a Macho Man (as you say like you) I must twist the arm of weaklings around the world and avoid the tough guys. You happened to be in the way and I cannot miss this opportunity with the Presidential election only eight months away. Percy, you may be fooling all of your people all of the time. But you cannot do it with people who are not yours. You appoint a LLRC to make recommendations on alleged war crimes allegations and then plead that these recommendations cannot be implemented because foreign powers want them to be implemented. Gross interference in internal affairs, you say. I wonder why the UN was set up.
Do not worry about you being great friends of China and being heavily indebted to them. America is the biggest debtor of China – we owe trillions of dollars. What is this nonsense about an American conspiracy against Sri Lanka? We opened an Israeli Interests Section in our Embassy in the eighties to provide you with arms and military training when the rest of the world was refusing to do so. We were the first to ban the LTTE. We are still prosecuting those who have purchased arms for the LTTE and cracked down on financing the LTTE. If you and your party orators have run out of words, do not manufacture conspiracies against America and the West. There are Green Cards for your siblings and others to be considered. American presidents cannot accept gifts while being in office. So forget about tea and Blue Sapphires. About the Mahinda Chintanaya, I am told it is a revised version of Machiavelli’s The Prince. Send it along, it may lie besides Machiavelli’s book as a bedside companion.
For better relations between the US and Sri Lanka