Balderdash

FOREVER YOUNG!

Last week it was my birthday and I was most dismayed to discover that I was actually one year older than I thought I was going to be. There was I, thinking I was not that old, and then suddenly in the morning I realized my mistake. Let’s face it folks, the only whistles I was going to get in the future was from the darned tea kettle! I was most disgruntled and grumbled to the kids who were highly amused at the situation. When my friends started calling, when I told them about my delusion, they very unsympathetically exclaimed, “How can you be one year younger than us, men?” Old age is stealthily creeping up, tip toeing through the tulips. I suppose this song depicted clandestine meetings. Or else what a waste it would be to tip toe through tulips, though they would be less likely to get bruised or damaged I suppose. I would dance through them and pick an armful to take indoors to brighten up a room. Okay, I hear you sniggering; it would be rather like the elephant amongst the tulips!
Anyway, some of my friends are Facebook fanatics, and their main ambition in life is to take as many photos as possible at any given opportunity. I keep trying to avoid being ‘shot’ but at my birthday I suppose they felt obliged to include me and when I protested they told me to shut up. The thing is, I usually look like a hippopotamus, but in these I think I must have resembled a scowling hippo. Every time I turned, a camera clicked and a flash went off. Horrors! I was too tired, except to protest mildly. So now I’m getting belated greetings from those who forgot on the actual day. Oh gosh, I just got a call from someone who wanted all the recipes of the various dishes I had prepared. So because of the leftovers, I can stick to my rule of always starting a diet on the same day, and what is this day, you wonder? Tomorrow! Sometimes tomorrow never comes, as Sidney Sheldon well knows. Somebody told me I’d definitely get thinner if I went to the paint shop, so I went there and told them I was told I could get thinner there, and the salesman said, ”Certainly madam!” Before I could question him further, he vanished into the back room of the store and came out triumphantly bearing this bottle saying, “Is one bottle enough?” Apparently one uses this to dilute paint when it is too thick to apply. I told him it was not what I was looking for, and he worriedly asked me what exactly I had in mind. I just gave a resigned shake of my head and just walked out leaving him rather nonplussed.
I must say, my friends and I carry our age rather well, we look quite good if I might say so myself. There are some who can get into skin tight jeans and bare their midriffs without batting an eyelid. Anyway, I think Sri Lankan ladies take pride in their appearance and dress very well. Even if you mention that a certain function was a casual affair and it wasn’t necessary to tog up, you will see them in stunning outfits and accessories. I think it is because we have help here, even if it is a working lady; someone will be there to iron and help her find her accessories, etc.
On the subject of growing older, I have to relate this story to you about two elderly ladies. One lady says to the other,” I’m very sorry to have to be the one to tell you this, but there’s a rumour going around that your husband is constantly chasing after some woman or the other. Has he forgotten that he’s over eighty years?” “Oh yes, he’s eighty two actually, and so what about it? Let him chase all the women he wants. Have you seen dogs chasing cars all the time, do you think if they catch up with one they can drive it off? Well, it’s the same principle with men!” The other lady retreated with a red face. This is like the mountain lion that ate an entire bull and felt so good that he roared non-stop. A hunter tracked him down easily because of all the noise he made and shot him. And the moral of this incident is, when you’re full of bull, keep your mouth shut!
- Honky Tonk Woman