The Sunday Leader

Next SG Of UN: Who Is The Greatest?

by Gamini Weerakoon

The Unofficial Council for Constitutional and Unconstitutional Affairs was in session for the selection of Sri Lanka’s nominee for the post of Secretary General of the United Nations. The incumbent Ban Ki Moon is expected to retire by the end of the year.

This unofficial council is a top secret body set up by the Yahapalanaya government to make vital decisions where national consensus should prevail over political partisanship and it comprises members of all political colourations and NGO affiliations. Its existence is highly confidential lest Yahapalanaya govt. be accused of buying over the Rajapaksa faithful and the latter being charged of a sellout.


Juval for SG

Suave veteran of NGOs Seethala Kaaryadasa, President for Life and Thereafter of Saravaloka Poottuwa Foundation was presiding.

Kaaryadasa: I call upon the first applicant Juval Kumantranawansa to answer some queries.  Juval, why do you want to be appointed the Secretary General of the United Nations?

Juval: As a citizen of a Third World country, I want to end international conspiracies – kumantrana – that are hatched against Third World countries, particularly Sri Lanka. Where are all the crises precipitated today? In poor Third World countries like Sri Lanka. They are trying to destroy our unique hydraulic civilisation, our unique language, unique history, unique government service and our unique leader?

Please Perera (earlier called Peace Perera): Every country, their histories, languages are unique like yours.

Sri Kotha panelist: Your unique leader was thrown out by the people twice…

Juval: By an international conspiracy.

Kaaryadasa: My thinking is that elections were held. But how could your appointment as Secretary General help to bring back your unique leader?

Juval: I hope to re-structure the UN with the help of Afro-Asian and Latin American nations. They will see that justice is done and bring him back.

Sri Kotha panelist: But what’s this talk about an electric chair?  And Afro-Asian nations are with Uncle Sam. Even Mother India is enticing the Uncle to do a nuclear waltz with her.

Juval: I will stage a fast-unto- death opposite the UN Headquarters in New York making my demands. Kaaryadasa: Last time you staged a fast by the Colombo UN HQ, your friends, they did not even send a telegram expressing support. The world outside said it was a saline cum glucose powered hunger strike. Juval: That was a canard spread by the Jackals of the Sri Lankan press.

Kaaryadasa: What are your plans other than restructuring the UN?

Moshe:  I want to make Sri Lanka as the 6thMember of the Security Council. We Sinhalese are the greatest in the world. We are the Hellas – those in Greece are our descendants.

Peaceful Perera of the Lanka to Pieces Council: Let’s support his candidature. He is for four races in one nation – unity in diversity. We wish him luck. He needs it very much.


Moshe Tilakasiri

Chairman Kaaryadasa: There are only two applicants. The other is Moshe Tilakasiri. Moshe what are your qualifications to be the Secretary General?

Moshe: What a question! I thought you all knew that.

Kaaryadasa: What we know is as follows: Young Catholic Activist of the Mariyakadse School, Josef Stalinist cum Peradeniya lunatic (First Class), Pioneer Separatist Activist of the Vavuniya Tiger Cubs, Failed Plot plotting Activist, Minister  Eelamist, Premadasa Putschist,  Rajapaksa  Revanchist and now an aspiring Yahapalanayist. Do you consider these to be qualifications for the topmost diplomatic post in the world? Moshe: Why not? They indicate my diversity, versatility, adaptability. There is none like me. You have to accept that I am the Greatest.

Sri Kotha Activist:  All hail, Moshe Ali! Besides he is the most outstanding political opportunist.

Moshe: What’s wrong with that?  Political Opportunism is the life blood of politics.

Kaaryadasa: In your book of punditry do you  consider  political opportunism to be more important than political principles laid down by Marx, Lenin, Castro, Umma Maheswaran, Premadasa, Rajapaksa and now Sirisena?

Moshe: Why are you asking about Sirisena?

Kaaryadasa: You are advising him to have Amunugama as Foreign Minister instead of Samaraweera. Why all this concern for Yahapalanaya having tried to blast it out of existence since it came into existence?

Moshe: I am thinking of the national interests of my country.

Sri Kotha Activist: That’s a new one. Not because of being ambassador to Geneva?

Moshe: Actually, I am thinking beyond that. You know I have been a minister before?

Kaaryadasa: What has all this got to do being Secretary General of the UN?

Moshe: You all know I am the Greatest.

Kaaryadasa: You think that we think that you are the Greatest?


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