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Assorted
nuts
By
Henry Holdenbottle |
My
dear Madam,
Darling,
I am distracted with anxiety. The emotions as I recline in my
armchair are not lively and agreeable. It is bad enough for me to
live in a paradise where you are President. But to live in a
paradise where you are not only President, but also one that,
according to the JVP, has the habit of rolling her eyes from time
to time and gingerly picking straws from her hair, is, if you
pardon the expression 'the last bally straw.'
My
most immediate spies tell me that Weerawansa and the JVP chaps
have been talking of nothing else. Just the other day he was heard
by no less a person than myself loudly whispering the word
"nutcase" on the golf course. Apparently the chap has
taken a second job as a ball picker while awaiting
presidency. |
On
flapping my left ear a goodish bit I was able to discern more of his
hurried conversation with a mediocre Chinese putter. As a friend I may
as well tell you that the signs did not augur well for you. The word
'nutcase' and your name were two close and frequent inthe Marxist's
sentences to ignore.
If
that was not enough, some of the JVP chaps, having just recently been
put on the list of invitees of the Colomban cocktail circuit have been
seen at receptions doing odd things. One reached for the salted nuts and
burst out crying, saying it reminded him of "that nutcase."
Others have been walking around making snide remarks about you being a
nutcase at coffee mornings and tea table tittle tattles.
The
upshot of it all is that you have now been branded a nutcase by those
very chaps who, you and your party tried to cut a deal with.
To
make things worse, Mallo has been defending these ogle-eyed blighters to
the hilt. Fighting tooth and nail to preserve their dignity. In fact, if
my sources serve me right, he has accused you of being the humongous
stumbling block to a happy alliance with the JVP and subsequent power
for himself. I tell you, that man! Intoxication is his name and power is
his game. Too bad he's a lousy sportsman. Though I am told he has a
goodish rear guard action.
What
he thinks of the JVP's recent observations about you, and I refer to the
fact that they have been running about hither and dither calling you a
nutcase, is not too clear.
Meanwhile
the UNP is concerned. Surely they feel this is a matter to be taken up
for debate in parliament. If your closest allies are accusing you of
being a screw loose, it must be a matter for investigation. It is rarely
that this sort of statement does not produce results. So the UNP I'm
toldwants to have a motion submitted in parliament calling for a debate
to ascertain once and for all whether the paradisiacal president is
three sheets to the wind. A stone's throw from Angoda. A hop and step
from the loony bin.
I
tend to agree that this constitutes a matter of priority. We should
spare no expense on this little matter. In the meantime if it does go to
our highest courts, you could always whisper a something in our
favourite top judge and get him to turn the constitution on its head. At
the end of the day we should have a five-bench ruling that one of the
pre-requisites of being president of Sri Lanka is to have Weerawansa
calling you a nut case. Frankly darling, I'd prefer that chap to call me
a nutcase, than a soul mate.
But
while such comedies are being played out, you are threatening to take
disciplinary action against anyone who talks of an alliance with the JVP.
No doubt their demands of four ministries plus deputy defense plus
chairmanship of party plus plus, was beginning to read like a telephone
bill you'd rather not see. . But what interests me is to know if you
will discipline that pie-eyed brother of yours? You might just get him
to bend over and give him six of the best with a fives bat right on his
blue pantaloons though I am sure he would prefer if you ask Mangy or
Weerawansa for that matter to do the honours.
But
why did you chat with them in the first place? Have you no decorum dear?
No proper feeling? Where were you during those days in the late 1980s
when these JVP chappies played marbles with chopped heads and drank the
local brew from the skulls of their opponents? Were you out on a
miscellaneous but protracted country gamble? A meandering walk in the
woods? Were you taking it easy among the buttercups and daisies, eh?
Having a good long loaf were you?
Oh
I know, you were actually scrubbing floors in London weren't you? Fled
the scene of disaster. Surely, you weren't there. You don't know what
these JVP types did. How could you? If you had experienced the horror, I
don't think we would have caught you hobnobbing with that mob.
I
dare say you did not think that chatting with those hartal lovers in
order to overthrow Ranil could not really be considered as hobbing, and
that discussing matters of national security was not to be termed
hobbing. But I assure you there are fairer minded people who would think
otherwise.
My
dear Madam, take it from a man who has lived long and lived hard. An
alliance between you and these chaps would have been analogous to a bowl
of assorted nuts.
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