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Diabolical hyenas and parlour arsonists

By Henry holdenbottle

Darling Satty There was a time darling in days gone by when you happened to see red, each time you were confronted with a copy of this rag. Now you see red all the time. And our mighty red brigade keeps faithfully glowing brilliantly in the noon day sun for the benefit of all. But last week the reds showed their true colours. And surprise surprise they were all shades of red. We finally saw what they really were. Red as an uncooked side o'beef darling. Redder than red. Blood red if you like. Democracy forsooth. They have violence on their minds and grime on their hands. Attacking unsuspecting office buildings at 1 in the morning. I tell you. Never mind that office buildings cannot suspect or not suspect being mere brick and mortar. Those lamps and staplers they destroyed belong to a beating human heart. JVP forsooth. Fie I say to them, the diabolical hyenas. And also faugh and may I add, bah.

Let us see now. Democracy may allow you to own a gun but certainly not to use it. These finer points of academic interest the JVP types cannot fathom, being the sons of soil who have for years pretended to have laboured under tonnes of toil.

So when I heard that Wimal Weerawansa had been rather cavalier in his attitude to social norms and habits by whipping out a gun and holding it to the throbbing forehead of a legal bloke I could but help think. It is not often that I set my mind to thinking mode unless well armed with a stiff Martini and a Cuban Cigar, but on this occasion I made an exception. Look, I'm as wary as the next guy when it comes to the black coats. There may be many a  honest gentleman who might want to hold a gun to an odd lawyer's head or a lawyer's odd head - which ever comes first. Neither can I deny that if a thirty-seater bus carrying 27 lawyers rolled down a precipice there would be thousands of mourners looking down in despair wishing the other three seats were occupied too.

But Wimal W. goes too far. I mean to say darling as if it wasn't enough to break into a chappies office at that ungodly hour and demand attention in that vile way. But to then laugh in the face of democratic processes by pulling out weapons and this and that. Before the poor legal eagle had time to gasp coyly, flutter his eyelashes and inquire 'is that a gun in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?' our Weerawansa whips it out and slaps it on his head. The gun I mean.

These are serious times indeed. Is this the man to lead our country? Yes and again I say yes. A man who goes around with an unnatural bulge in his pocket hiding dangerous weapons is the very man we need to spread democracy and light. Not to mention pluralism, rule of law and that other bally thing being bandied around these days. oh yes...humanitarian values.

And this says the JVP is true democracy at work. Any man who spreads the notion that he is free to walk into another man's office and vandalise it is in deed a man who has the freedom of the individual close to his heart. Pluralism? Hmmm. If Wimal W. and his henchmen are not rooting for autonomous participation in the development of the country by all ethnic and religious groups I don't know who is. Just take a dekko at their manifesto and you'll see.

Rule of law? Surely yes. After all the Wimal pimple did break and enter and trespass and all that sort of thing together with the khaki types did he not? And if galloping into a police station and rounding up a posse of unwilling khaki suits well into their third bunnis gediya and nikkang thai, is not telling the rule of law to work I don't know what is.

A word of caution dear. If the crime allegedly committed by Wimal's election opponent is printing propaganda, you and your alliance should be surrounding the state media institutions first. If that isn't election propaganda at public expense I don't know what is. We all know your acclaimed editorial skills and your ability to make the media into a lean, mean propaganda machine.

Satty dearest. You may be a dreamer. I doubt it. But you may be. But let me tell you something darling. Asking Wimal to embrace the contents of democracy as opposed to merely the concept of democracy is like asking the lion to lay down with the deer. Or Osama to have afternoon tea with the Bushes. Not unless the tea is liberally laced with strychnine I don't think!

Meanwhile, you my darling, acting true to form as always are shooting your mouth off delightfully. I recall vividly the last election when you warned ominously at a public meeting, "maruwoth maranawa." That was two years ago. Last week, you accused  the Nuwara Eliya police of sitting on SB's lap or lap dancing or something horribly unmentionable like that.

Firstly my dear, not that I have had time to measure it to a tee, but judging from the small expanse of cloth I happen to catch a glimpse of on telly, SB's lap can't be very big. To accommodate therefore, a large contingent of kakhied personnel, heavily weighted down with medals, some no doubt nicely endowed with  vast and spreading posteriors, would be a task rather too large for such a small expanse of thigh. Thus, your argument breaks down even before it can be debated in any real sense.

I learn however, that the blue types stormed into a police station in Beetroot country and vandalised it like a bunch of school boys during lunch break at Raheemas. As usual though, your comments were uplifting and educational. You have been a valuable teacher and mentor to the underworld and kudukarayas of Sri Lanka for years. No doubt they hang upon your lips or at least what falls from them.

No sooner you learnt that your chaps had attacked the policemen  than you uttered a calming statesman like statement. "Gahala Madi, gini thiyannai thibbai," were your golden words to the nation. My dear I wonder if you have heard the phrase, you are known by the company you keep? And I'm sure you have heard stories at your mummy's knee about the JVP in the '70s. They burnt and pillaged and destroyed police station after police station.

It must be the company you keep darling, for, unless I'm very much mistaken you have become a parlour arsonist. An advocate of arson. It's what I always say. You deal with an ars....onist, and before you know it, you become one too..eh eh eh.

Toodle oo for the nonce