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 That
feeling of deja vu
By
Henry Holdenbottle
Dear
Satellite,
THERE'S
something about you in India that always makes me, tucked away
as I am in a quiet corner in the outer skirts of the
paradisiacal...
More....
Returning
the compliment
Deputy
Minister of Sports and Youth Affairs and general UPFA
loudmouth and dirty talker, Sripathi Sooriyarachchi last week
during a TV debate took potshots at this column saying.....
More....
That
feeling of deja vu
By
Henry Holdenbottle
Dear
Satellite,
THERE'S
something about you in India that always makes me, tucked away
as I am in a quiet corner in the outer skirts of the
paradisiacal commercial hub, feel full of esplieglerie and
joie de vivre. But then there is something about you in any
part of the world other than in Paradise that makes me feel
much the same. Darling, when you are warming your seat at the
President's House it is all I, as indeed other Paradisians,
can do to back stealthily behind a sofa and commend our
collective souls to God. We don't need to have our hands read
to know that trouble is coming to us through a dark plumpish
woman with a stirring smile.
And
when on Guy Fawkes day I happened to glance at the Daily rag
and beheld a series of photographs depicting you with Manmohan,
you with Sonia and you with Natwar, I got the rummy feeling I
had seen it all before. De ja vu and all that. Then it hit me.
Only a few weeks ago I saw Ranil with Manmohan, Ranil with
Sonia and Ranil with Natwar. The rummy thing about these
Indian chaps is that they like to play both sides, call heads
and tails, turn left and right, be up and down, if you get my
drift. And talking of drifts, it is all very well for Indian
fishermen to drift accidentally to northern waters but maybe
you should make the holes in the net smaller so that there is
no accidental drifting of Indian flotsam and jetsam like
uncertified, inexperienced doctors, and smuggled human cargo
en route to the West. India in small doses is all very well,
and I'm as much an admirer of the Taj Mahal as the next man,
but by the beard of the Maharajah of Ghopal, please spare us
this deluge.
Meanwhile
of course our pal, the rural minded Lal kay has been at it
again. Gulping quickly like a bull terrier he continues to
urge the people to gambole on the streets flailing their arms
about like wild things. No need to work is his advice to the
working classes. Get on the streets and exercise your limbs.
And this mind you, after you gave strict orders to the media
not to report signs of dissension in the red and blue ranks.
If
we fight, it is behind closed doors you admonished shaking a
heavy index at your ever-growing cabinet. Suddenly recalling
your heady and French filled days at the Sorbonne, 'a huis
clos' you added for good measure. Not that the rural reds
understood a word of that.
No
wonder he continues to spell out the nitty gritties of your
loveless marriage and keepsshouting impending divorce from the
rooftops. Neither does he feel the Alliance to be a permanent
agreement. Obviously not a chap to have taken the vows of
marriage too seriously. If the UPFA government cannot work for
the good of the country, then there is no need for it to
remain in power, he said last week. My dear, the chap never
said a truer word. He may be a baby in politics, but then out
of the mouth of babes.....
By
the way, now that George Dubya has won the election there can
be no beating about the bush on the Iraq issue. I say darling,
I seem to recall that during the latter part of 2003 you
accused the George WB of this and that and ranted about his
sending troops to Iraq. Not only that, you may have sung the
first and second verses but it was Kadi who warbled out the
refrain. Now tell me m'dear, do you reckon this would have had
a repercussion on our relations with the Texan? I wonder, why
did that chap Armitage stop dead in his tracks and decide not
to come over here. Ah, well we are entitled to change our
minds now and then. And if the supremely knowledgeable Pulle
from the commerce area feels, having lost all garment quotas
from the US of A, that we don't need any garment quotas from
anywhere for then we can export freely to any country in the
world, we know where Paradise is heading. One is reminded that
the Pulle was recently unaware of the currency he was trading
in, when buying rice from India. Thinking they were dealing in
Sri Lankan rupees he was beaming inanely and patting himself
prematurely on the backside until a more astute bird whispered
to him that the prices were quoted in Indian rupees.
Ooops
and all that! But
let us remain loyal as ever to kicking the American troops out
of Iraq. Nevermind that extremist groups are now taking Sri
Lankan drivers as hostages. In fact I would urge their friends
to come over to Paradise and take more of these bally drivers
on our roads as hostages. Bally pirates. Darn highwaymen. The
drivers I mean. Not that you would know much about it,
darling. Closing all the roads and driving around with not a
pea brain on the street is quite another experience
altogether.
But
what took the cake last week is one of your red blokes
accusing one of your blue blokes in the cabinet of leaking
this that and the other to this rag. You may have hastily
assured the red brothers that they can bet their bottom dollar
it is not the blue side whispering sweet nothings to the likes
of the Sunday rag. Whether the red chaps bought this denial or
themselves went red in the face with guilt, we of course do
not know. But we do know this. There is a fly and that fly is
with us. I assume you have heard about that damn fly on the
wall. That fly has a long and happy career m'girl. Long and
happy. Toodle oo
for the nonce.
Returning
the compliment
Deputy
Minister of Sports and Youth Affairs and general UPFA
loudmouth and dirty talker, Sripathi Sooriyarachchi last week
during a TV debate took potshots at this column saying that it
degraded distinguished statesmen of this land by portraying
them as fat babies. In the middle of his tirade,
Sooriyarachchi also decided to drop us some handy hints about
who should be featured in the column. To thank the Hon. Deputy
Minister for his most kind suggestions about politicians with
typically baby faces, we decided to feature Sooriyarachchi
himself and some of his remarks to opposition colleagues
during the debate. 
"There
are these papers featuring 'babes' in columns these days.
Unfortunately, it seems like they keep picking the wrong
people as subjects for this article. Now MP Tissa Attanayake,
for the things he says would be ideal to feature as a thotta
baba since he says things only babies would say! So they
should pick you more often!"
-Deputy
Minister of Sports and Youth Affairs, Sripathi Sooriyaarachi
addressing UNP MP Tissa Attanayake during the Kinihira
political debate telecast on Swarnavahini on Tuesday November
2.
We
regret that featuring Sooriyarachchi exclusively was not an
option since some of his colleagues made a couple of boo-boos
worthy of headlines last week.
Not
to be outdone by the reaction to his now infamous 'bibikkan'
speech that SLFP stalwarts have alleged were defamatory of
President Chandrika Kumaratunga, and maybe even in an attempt
to deflect media attention from that attack, JVP Propaganda
Secretary last week picked the Opposition Leader as the target
of his verbal abuse.
 "If
things continue in this vein, the LTTE will soon replace Daya
Master with Ranil Wickremesinghe as its spokesman"
-JVP
Propaganda Secretary, Wimal Weerawansa in a statement
published in the Thinnakurral on Tuesday, November 2.
What
someone forgot to tell Weerawansa however is that Daya Master
was not and never has been the official spokesman for the
Tigers. If Wickremesinghe was to replace anyone as official
mouthpiece it would have to be Political Wing Head S.P.
Tamilselvan and try as he might, the UNP Leader is not quite
there yet!
But
the way Weerawansa is going, he may well end up as the
mouthpiece for Mangala Samaraweera and that is a reputation,
he best avoid.
-
JVP Propaganda Secretary, Wimal Weerawansa at a National
Patriotic Movement rally on October 24.
Rumour
has it that Loku Nona is none too impressed with Weerawansa's
tirade and is demanding a public apology from the chappie
forthwith. Tee-hee, it isn't going to be easy for this errant
knight to swallow his words, that's for sure!
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