Chee Chee Corea welcomed the change in the weather. The first thing he did was to pop into Mrs. Crutchly's house and borrow her brolly. Make no mistake it will not be returned till the monsoons are over. Imagine Chee Chee walking along Kottangchena Street under the umbrella, stopping at Dharbar for a tea and a ciggie and then worm his way to Tella’s place for small talk.
By the way Tella is also a Colombo chetty....an Anandappa to be exact. More of him later. They were analysing and typecasting the ethnic mix of Kottangchena. Below is Chee Chee's description,
"In Kottangchena, how do you tell the difference?" asked Tella.
"Easy baby, I can," said Chee Chee, "Listen" —
You are Sinhalese?
You don't think very far,
You love kavun,
You squeal on your friends for promotions,
You get very thirsty everyday after work,
There's no such thing as a free lunch for you,
You have a great temper,
You don't shave your armpits,
You love to swear using other peoples mums interlinked with intercourse.
You are Tamil?
You don't go for movies, but you'd rather see it on the showroom window TV
You buy two murungas and think you are eating well,
You have hair on your ears,
You love to do things secretly,
You always answer a question with another question,
Your women wear rings on their noses, and jasmines in their hair
You must live in a hostel at Wellawatte.
You are Moor?
Your waistline is equal to or more than your hips,
You must have a relative named Marikar,
Even though you are married only once you still have three more on your mind,
You love to eat in groups of six,
You believe, sincerely, that the difference between selling price and cost price must always be more than three times the cost price,
Your neighbours wife is always attractive,
Your in-laws are not your best friends,
You are a firm believer that there is more than one way to skin a cat.
You are Burgher?
You look great on the outside but there's nothing really much inside you,
You live in a small cottage like house that's neat and tidily kept, red cement shiny floors and serve lime juice.
You like wine, women, song and some like boys too,
Your hair is greasy all the time,
Your pants stick to your body like a leech,
If you were allowed to take a guitar to school you would,
Your gals have great legs and never learned to say NO.
You are Chetty?
Money is the root of all happiness,
You have a knack to give away money and make more of it in the process,
You start your day with Gal,
You eat lunch with Gal,
You end your day with Gal,
You must live in Kotahena,
You never miss a novena,
Your family name must end with Pulle or Appa
You are Memon?
You are always spitting blood everywhere you go,
Your women are hairy,
You wear oversized baggy pantaloons that swing in the wind,
You must have a shop in the Pettah,
Your tummy is no different to the Moor fellows,
Trust doesn't come easy when it’s business,
You relish biriyani and sweets.
You are Sindhi?
You are a wizard at Rummy,
Your home isn't complete without the 'juice' cabinet,
Your women are also hairy,
You love numerology, astrology and Sai Baba,
You are a member of Otters,
Playing cards, fast cars, and biznez are the main ingredients of life,
Your name must end with an "ANI."
You are a Parsi?
Another hairy bunch,
You don't think very far like the Sinhalese,
You keep vultures for pets,
You can easily pass off as a Burgher,
Your name must end with a "JEE."
Tella couldn't fault the description.
Chee Chee was asked to describe the wives of his friends and foe. Here's what he said—
1) A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car at Grandpass when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"
The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?" The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."
2) A couple came upon a wishing well at Modera Street. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled "It really works!"
3) Ravi Irugal said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
4) Lacho Rodrigo (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy (name withheld for obvious reasons): "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
5) A couple (name withheld) was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!" The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money, I wouldn't be here."
6) "Tella,"said Chee Chee, "Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the "y" becomes silent.
7) Kennedy's little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."
8) Kenny Dabrera inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds : ‘Wife wanted.’ Next day, he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
9) When Nathan the Emmanuel (teacher) opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car or the wife is new
10) Mulchiri, received a letter from some kidnappers. The letter said, "If you don't promise to send us Rs.1,000,000, we promise you we will kidnap your wife." Mulchiri wrote back, "I am afraid I can't keep my promise but I hope you kidnap my wife."
Ta Ra and see ya next week,
— Rabbada Aiya