The big Indian yarn

Even as 10-year-olds, we were amused by the way our sub-continental brothers thought. It was said that an Indian cricket commentator had, when the famed Indian batsman Polly Umrigar had just come into bat, said, "Polly is now two runs, only 98 short of his century!" Another was - "Manjerekar hooked, pulled, cut and drove to pile up a score of eight runs!" This could be called positive Indian thinking.

So, when the Indian Security Advisor, M.K. Narayanan recently said that India was 'great' and that we Sri Lankans should buy armaments only from India, and not from China and Pakistan, our editors, columnists, ex- diplomats, regular commentators et al., would not have taken umbrage, screamed their heads off and called our big brothers all kinds of bad names, had they understood the Indian way of looking, particularly at themselves.

Not even the natives of Great Britain went about calling themselves 'great' when the 'Sun neverset on the British Empire' but Narayanan and fellow Indians think and call themselves 'great'. There is nothing lost to Sri Lanka if we call India, 'Great India' particularly if they act like a great country. We Sri Lankans should call ourselves 'Little Lankans', if it so pleases those in the Indian Foreign Ministry.

'Blind' radar for free

There was so much fuss about Narayanan saying that we should 'buy from India' where armaments are concerned. We asked an Indian friend whether armaments would come under the FTA (Free Trade Agreement). He called us a joker. Nonetheless, they had given armaments free such as radar equipment, he pointed out.

Unfortunately we can't spot Pirapaharan's planes with Indian radar. We complained saying that Colombo suffered a blackout when we were watching our team in the finals of the World Cup.

"You Sri Lankans want the best of everything free? Even we can't see Pirapaharan's planes with our radar, the same we have given you. So why are you complaining?"

 This was unbeatable sub-continental logic and we let it go, but the big brother went on.

"You were willing to spend millions to buy radar from the Chinese and we gave it for free. Acha, we know these Chinese tricks. They want to watch our southern ports with their Chinese radar from Lanka.  We Indians are not...."

"But you want to give us only defensive weapons, not the offensive types. Of what use is defensive equipment against Pirapaharan's bombs?"

Passive resistance

"Aiyar, you Sri Lankans don't have brains. You don't need offensive or defensive weapons to win a war. You don't need weapons at all. How do you think we won our freedom from Britain, the mightiest empire ever, in the world? Through passive resistance, sathyagraha, non violence."

Apparently Indian defence strategies have changed since Indian independence. If not they would have sent their sathyagraha brigades instead of the IPKF (Indian Peace Keeping Force) when the LTTE thumbed its nose at them. We decided to keep silent on this issue because we too had a great potent Sathyagraha weapon with us - Dr. A.T. Ariyaratne who has been showered with honours by the Indians. We shouldn't expose him to the LTTE.

The Indian yarn

The great Gandhi's weapon against British imperialism was the spinning wheel, my Indian friend recalled. Gandhi appealed to all Indians, even to the pukka sahibs, to burn their British tailored suits and any cloth made in Britain, and wear home spun yarn. The result was that the mighty textile spinning mills such as those in Manchester had to close down. The British economy was crippled. All because of the power of the Indian yarn.

There are other kinds of Indian 'yarns' which are as powerful - such as the famed Indian book of fables, the Panchatantra which outshines the Aesop's fables,whose traditions the Indian Foreign Ministry seems to be following, we pointed out.

In 1974   after the Chinese had conducted their first atomic test the world was taken aback with surprise when it heard that the world's leader for peaceful co-existence, the Messiah of non-violence, leading campaigner for nuclear disarmament and leader of the non-aligned world has conducted an atomic test in the Rajasthan desert. Indian Foreign Ministry Brahmins dismissed the story with disdain - it was a 'device for peaceful uses of atomic energy'. Most countries in the world didn't believe this Indian yarn except Sri Lanka under the Bandaranaikes. Uncle Sam and his allies turned apoplectic and imposed sanctions on nuclear armaments and fuel supplies, and called our dear neighbours 'pious hypocrites'. But the New Delhi brahmins, undaunted, continued with their manthram of 'nuclear power for peaceful purposes' till in 1989, when they exploded five nuclear bombs announcing to the world they were a nuclear power.

Uncle Sam blew many a fuse once again with his allies, and imposed sanctions, but our sub-continental brothers are again merrily doing the nuclear waltz. Last week they were attempting to put the finishing touches to a new agreement for 'peaceful uses of nuclear power'.

Such is the power of the Indian yarn.

Why now?

"But what has all this got to do with Narayanan's peace loving advice," queried our sub-continental brother.

"Very intriguing, Aiyar, very intriguing, and as difficult to understand as your famed Ranmunjom's mathematics," we confessed. Why did Narayanan and the peace loving brothers not object to Chinese and Pakistani arms for us all these years, and why now, completely out of the blue?

Was the ' hidden hand' at work? George Bush's pin-up girl, Condolezza, pinned the medal of a 'Global Power' on dear old Manmohan Singh. Why? Medals are not given for nothing. Does Uncle Sam want you to run in the Asian Games against China, countervailing force and all that? Does he want to prevent the Medamulane Rajapakses and Beijing doing a Ruhunu Vannam to the strains of the Beijing Opera? This may be only a heat at the beginning of a new Asian Games, we suggested.

"Adei, you Lankan fellows are always calling us names like 'proxies'. Don't worry, we are great, the greatest. We are all times champs in everything," my sub-continental brother thundered.

The Rajapakse doctrine in practice

Darling Ma -hinder and not so darling Goatie,

I am not normally one to make a difference between siblings dearie. You don't on occasion see Thellie squeezing the chubby cheek of  one cute little toddler in pink at the supermarket while watched by her awkward little sister from behind the Kellogg's Crunchy Nuts. Thellie for one would be particular to squeeze the cheek of the other sister as well.  The one hiding behind the crunchy nuts that is. 

These simple gestures would possibly have a profound impact on the two unknown tiny tots who will grow up knowing that despite life's slings and arrows; somewhere, sometime, perhaps at a supermarket out of town, one might find a level playing field where, if one cheek is squeezed the odds are that so would the other.

It is to bring such rays of hope into the Pandora boxes of Paradisian life that Thellie perhaps has been put on this earth. That and to guzzle the bubbly.

So m'dear if my terms of endearment extend only to you and not to Goatie such blatant discrimination is only an exception to Thellie's life rules.

And talking of rules and such I was a tad alarmed at your herding up some 376 thala thel types last Thursday and kicking them out of the commercial capital.

Darling, throughout the ages, rural folk have felt it necessary to flock to the capitals to better themselves. There they are toiling and moiling in the soil in some remote corner one moment and before you know it tinkering in a clapped out garage in Dematagoda for a low wage the next. It's called moving on up dearie. You should know. 

Ask Goatie. It's exactly the feeling one gets when one happens to be pumping petrol on a cactus route in the land of Uncle Sam and is suddenly whisked off to Paradise for the sole purpose of irritating Thellie by whizzing around wildly in luxury bullet proof vehicles in the thick of traffic.

I would be interested to know if irritating Thellie on the highway and perhaps even on the by way is considered a valid reason for living in Colombo by your Rounding Up and Chasing Off goons. What, I pose the question would your RU and CO goons have done if perhaps they came across the ghost of George Leigh Mallory rocking gently in an arm chair, sipping a faluda in one of the better lodges in Wellawatte and watching the crows munch on a rotting rat? When questioned by the police as to why he travelled to Colombo the fellow would be just as likely to say 'because it was there,' as much as he said the very same thing 80 years ago when asked by a reporter as to why he decided to climb Mt. Everest.

And what treatment would Sam-band-an Rajaratnam and his ageing mum living in a lodge in Wattala get when he tells the police chappies that the only reason he is in Colombo is because one day his old mater dazzled by the pandols and having recently read an abridged version of the Jathaka stories translated into Tamil, had got up of a morning and told him, Yaman Bando Vesak balanda. Would such a reply to the police be considered kosher?

The mind boggles dearie and not with thoughts of the dapper young Foreign Ministering angel either.

Correct me if I'm wrong darling but is there some indecent hurry to break asunder the nuptials of several young females with this pulling apart and putting asunder? Perhaps there is a sinister plot afoot to break the love affair of just one lissome lassie whose comely figure had been kindly countenanced by some fellow. That would explain the brides being snatched away by the police. Only you would attempt to find a needle in a haystack. 

I tell you dearie you are now as popular as King Herod would be if he walked in uninvited to a Mother's Union Meeting at a Jerusalem synagogue.        

But be that as it may as we always say Thellie applauds this cleansing and wiping out by you and your siblings. Take care though m'dear, perhaps one day some uniformed blokes might raid the Araliya abode and ask you if you have a valid reason for staying. And going by the records so far, chances are you'll be back in Beliatte on a CTB bus in no time.

Ta ra for now

Geneva and our gushing patriots

Mea culpa. That is not a phrase you will hear from our politicians. Have you ever met a politico who admits to the error of his ways or that of his government? Besides, most of them wouldn't have heard of it anyway.

 But we journalists are not like politicians, though some of our chaps behave disgracefully enough to qualify for that accolade, if you know what I mean.

I admit I was wrong to have published the comments of an anonymous email writer. Not because it did not provide sufficient diversion from the nightmarish existence that average Sri Lankans like us lead today under the glorious leadership of our thrice-blessed government.

At least I had a chance to enjoy the subtle humour when most of my days are now spent searching the horizons for vans - any kind of van mind you - and gun-toting vigilantes that remind one of the dreaded Klu Klux Klan and the Black Tigers or Green Tigers or whatever they were called not so long ago when two-legged animals of all hues and sizes roamed our streets.

My mistake was in publishing part of the contents of that email which opened the flood gates to literally dozens of others that have since arrived on every subject from cabbages to kings, if you will pardon a lapse into poesy.

The email

As you know I have been associating with Pulli Pachchathanni, the poet laureate of Pungodathivu among other habitu‚s of Paradise Club, and something of his proclivities have rubbed off on me.

But that is not what I was going to tell you. There was this email that came from a high-powered (how high you will soon know) Colombo citizen. What drew me to it first was its typically Sri Lankan greeting. "Ado Pachoris," it began and for some reason which I find inexplicable I was reminded of Mervyn Silva, that non-cabinet minister.

Some might say it is a pity he is not in the cabinet. If he was they could have locked it and thrown away the key. That is if the cabinet itself was too heavy to throw over into the depths of World's End at Horton Plains. Well you can't have all the luck could you!

Accusation

But I digress. The "Ado Pachoris" email writer signs as Pissu Hatan, secretary to the Ministry of Foreign and All Other Affairs (including those of ministers). At least the fellow has a sense of humour I thought and so I'll share this with you.  Actually I hid under the bed as Pissu Hatan fired his first volley at me.

"I find your attempt to ridicule our honours awards and some of our honourable people contemptible. I don't care a jot what you say about 'Pachoris Rambukwella' and 'Jakoris Jayatilleke'. But your attempted humour directed at 'Borushoak Bogollagama' and 'Deshabamboo Kohona' is bound to demoralise our security forces fighting those Wanni terrorists and surely create a wrong impression abroad of our president."

"How will that happen," asked Kosala "The Fixer" Kehelmala, interrupting my recital. "Do you think our soldiers in the frontline read your newspaper?"

"If that is meant to divert me from reading this letter, it won't succeed," I said turning once more to Pissu Hatan's epistle.

Global understanding

"I suppose you are not even vaguely aware of the great contributions that Rohitha and Palitha have made to global understanding, to reassure Putin and Bush not to return to the Cold War days. Do you newspaper fellows realise how much the two have contributed to reviving the debate on the Kyoto Protocol and a successor treaty. Do you know what they have jointly done about global warming?"

"Oh yes we know," broke in Felix Katepittu, a veteran diplomat now retired.  "They have added a lot of hot air to the atmosphere as though our politicians were not contributing enough," he said knowingly.

"Look do you want to hear what Pissu Hatan says or not," I asked somewhat irritated by the interruptions.

"Read the letter, read the letter," the others shouted in unison, very much like the Roman citizens demanding to hear Julius Caesar's will.

"Not since Otto von Bismarck and Klemens von Metternich has the world seen two such accomplished diplomats. Had Henry Kissinger been in the Bush administration today he would surely have seen to it that Kohona succeeded Kofi rather than that bulgogi-eating Korean. Only a Machiavelli could have timed his departure from the UNP to the SLFP government as Bogie did with such glorious timing. What more can Sri Lanka ask for in the way of diplomats who lead from the front though there are many who would be watching their backs," went on Pissu Hatan.

Warning India

"Pissu has a point," interjected Agnes Arapathium, ace reporter of the Daily Noise whose boss also thinks he is a budding diplomat and looking for a diplomatic job now that Big Bandu is reigning at Boru Gedera. "Look it was Kohona who warned the Indians that their nuclear facilities in the south are potential targets of the LTTE air arm."

"That is true," added Dr. Ananda Ansabage. "Otherwise the Indians would have been caught unawares when Velu dropped his wherewithal on Karunanidhi's head. The Indians got so frightened that they test fired two missiles a few days later." 

"If  Kohona did not warn the Indians, they might have thought the Pakistanis were doing it and all hell would have broken loose."

"Myee, maybe Kohona will win that Nobel Prize or something for stopping a nuclear war," intoned Mabel Manasgathe.

"Look let me finish this first," I said and continued with Pissu Hatan's ode to the diplomatic duo.

Two heroes

"You may not be aware that the two heroes you have been trying to criticise have even drawn up a crafty plan to prick the over blown egos of those LTTE chaps who are congregating in Geneva today to demonstrate against our own government."

"The way to fight bloated egos is with another bloated ego. So they hatched a plan with such tactical precision that it would have won the applause of great military minds like Moshe Dayan and Sarath Fonseka. At government expense a great strategist whose intellect is only comparable to their own, is flying to Geneva to fight single-handed against the northern hordes before the Human Rights Council. The French had three musketeers. We Sri Lankans need only one. I know this because I am the top man in our all embracing ministry. He has projected himself to the people here as a Sinhala weeraya, with some help from a religious type. I'll mention no names naturally. That is the talk among the lower orders of our ministry here. So watch out for some Periclean oratory to dazzle those non-entities on the Human Rights Council."

"Bravo, bravo," cheered Mabel Manasgathe. "Who is this clever chap, tell us his name."

"Has Pissu Hatan mentioned his name," asked Felix Katepittu the former diplomat.

"Yes he has," I said.

"Oh come on now, Pacho, tell us the name of this Sri Lankan Socrates," implored Ravi Rateveddah, former UNP MP for Nadagama. "I didn't realise this government harboured such intellectuals in its folds."

"Sorry, I will not mention the name for a very good reason. The secretary to the ministry says that this great patriot shuns publicity and he would not like it if his name appears anyway in the press, even a newspaper in Bhutan. There are fools at our end who buy such nonsense," says Pissu Hatan.

"Then give us a hint, will you," pleaded Mabel Manasgathe.

"Let Pissu Hatan himself provide the clue to his identity. This is how he winds up.

"If some time this week the gentle folk of Geneva suddenly wake up at night to the lilting melody of that old drinking ditty Duggiage buriya Bogolla kapala, then it means our man landed with a thud."

"If that is our man we'll be well and truly landed," added Poet Pachchathanni wisely.

Putin stalls galloping Bush

The G-8 Summit - the meeting of the heads of state of the eight richest countries - was taking place on Thursday and at the centre stage was the President of Russia, a country which a decade ago was down in the dumps with its economy in tatters and near political anarchy gripping it.

Vladimir Putin within his second term has not only brought Russia, the successor to the once superpower, the Soviet Union, back into the fold of the big powers but is now taking on the president of the sole superpower George Bush.

Germany's Chancellor Angela Merkel who was hosting the summit in Heiligendamm, on the Baltic Coast, at the time  of writing was reported to be trying hard to prevent the expected  Bush-Putin clash overshadow the  main subject on the agenda - global warming.

 With its rich gas and oil reserves, Putin now heads a rich and powerful country and does not pull punches at President Bush who has been riding rough shod over nations big and small but is now being humbled due to his failure in Iraq. 

Putin in February this year accused the United States of 'imposing itself on other states' and added that US policies were ruinous to the world. No other world leaders have been referring to the US in such terms since the end of the Cold War.

Cold War?

While political commentators have been speculating about a new Cold War, both American and Russian leaders have unequivocally said that there was no desire or necessity for them to start another war of that kind.

On its way to the G-8 Summit Bush stopped over in the Czech Republic where a radar system which would be a part of the Missile Defence Shield known as the New Star Wars is being installed. The missiles are to be installed in Poland. Reports said that the American President was greeted by Czech demonstrators carrying posters: 'No bases here.'

Bush had during his short stay in the Czech Republic needled Russia with remarks such as 'dissent being muzzled' and 'centralisation of power'. President Putin, he had said had derailed democracy.

Russia is most concerned about the missile defence system that is being installed in Eastern Europe - in Poland and Czech Republic which were once allies of the former Soviet Union.

Observers note that Russia considers that these two countries should have been under its sphere of influence which the US through NATO has encroached on. President Bush has reiterated that the defence shield is not directed at Russia but at 'rogue' states such as Iran, a story which

Russia disbelieves. Russia had rejected the US explanations as 'insufficient'and President Putin last week said that if necessary Russia would have to retarget its missiles towards Europe or build up alternative measures.

Bush last week said that this proposed missile system was not a threat to Russia and not something Russia and the US should be 'hyperventillating about.' Obviously it is not aimed at Russia's huge arsenal of nuclear rockets and he hoped that he could discuss this issue with Putin at the G-8 Summit, he hoped.

Russian missile

Meanwhile to impress upon Russia's opposition to the missile defence shield of the US, last week Russia said that they had successfully tested a missile capable of penetrating any defence shield erected by the US.

Russia has new missiles that are capable of overcoming any existing or future missile defence systems, Russia's First Deputy Prime Minister Sergei Ivanov had said. The RS- 2 rocket referred to was fired from the Arkhangelsk region to hit its target 6,000 miles away.

Joke

The reason motivating the United States to re- commence a missile defence system having abandoned the Strategic Defensive Initiative of former President Ronald Reagan is hard to comprehend.

The need to invest colossal funds on such a project when both sides claim they have no intention of pursuing another Cold War is incomprehensible. While President Bush says that it is meant for a ballistic missile threat from Iran, Iran's top nuclear negotiator Ali Larijani last week said that the US claim was 'the joke of the year'. Iranian missiles are incapable of reaching Europe and the Americans know it - what is more Europe is our biggest commercial partner. "What reason should we have to do such a thing?" he had asked.

President Bush is meeting a very tough opponent in his knuckle cracking former KGB agent who is proving to be no push over. While Bush is pushing for UN intervention is Darfur and also wants independence for breakaway Kosovo from Serbia, Putin is opposing them both 

With Russia's veto powers cowboy Bush can no longer gallop away as he used to do. But the terms of both Bush and Putin as presidents come to a close next year.  What the future holds for the world without these two personalities, no one is guessing as yet. 

This is Paradise