Roles reversed

Human beings may have reached the top of the food chain but evolution has done little to ameliorate the suffering meted out by our species to other animals. In Sri Lanka the elephants have been  singled out as an animal of particular sin from forcing them to walk endlessly on heated asphalt in peraheras to encroaching on their territory through development, war, and population migration. Our nation stands guilty of intense animal cruelty. Would you like to be a performing human?

The Yerevan Zoo in Armenia was in the news last year as animal rights activists battled Sri Lankan authorities in the Supreme Court to stop nine year old Asokamala, born at the Pinnawela Elephant Orphanage from being exported to that zoo. Rights activists say the Yerevan Zoo which boasts of 2,300 animals is in a deplorable state.

Recreational Minister, Gamini Lokuge who was the mover and shaker of the proposed gift reportedly denied to media, claims by animal rights activists that there was a confectioner involved in the deal to "gift" Asokamala to Armenia. However the  following article published in the Armenian press reveals that a confectioner was indeed involved.  

The bride from the north: Armenia's bachelor elephant gets a wife from Russia

Armenia's bachelor elephant, who has been desperate for a wife for several years, has finally found his match. The "wedding of the year" between Grand and Masha from Russia took place at Yerevan's Zoo on Sunday and proceeded in a pompous atmosphere in the presence of hundreds of guests.

The Yerevan Zoo is home to more than 2,300 animals today. The number of animals increases from year to year. But finding a partner for Grand was not an easy thing to do as it appeared to have reached a deadlock in recent years.

A 'bride' for Grand

Grand, sponsored by Grand Holding, was brought to Armenia in November 1999, and it's been several years since he reached puberty. But every time, brides intended for him could not arrive in Armenia for different reasons.

"If Grand remained lonely for a little longer, he would have faced serious physiological problems," Grand Holding President, Hrant Vardanyan told ArmeniaNow. "Before this we tried to get a bride from India, Malaysia, Sri Lanka, but every time we encountered problems."

A few years ago, India's Prime Minister promised to gift an elephant to Armenia. However the elephant named Komala intended for Armenia suffered poisoning at the native Bangalore Zoo and died. The next was Veda, who did not reach Armenia because of protests from local environmentalists who cited "severe climatic conditions in Armenia."

"I think Masha, who has already been renamed Candy, is a good match for our Grand. Her transportation to Armenia cost about $150,000, which is not a particularly big sum for me," Hrant Vardanyan explained. "We hope that Grands and Candys will be born in two or three years to our common delight. And now we should rejoice at today's wedding."

Celebrations

On that day Yerevan Zoo was decorated with balloons, wedding ribbons and special banners symbolising the elephants' love.

The marrying couple was not attending their own wedding ceremony though - "to avoid unnecessary trouble," but it did not prevent those present to have fun at the symbolic wedding celebrated according to Armenian, Indian and Russian traditions, with humans dressed in colourful elephant clothes posing as the marrying couple.

The toast

"Our bride is from Russia, however she is an honest and modest girl and will not let us down," the host of the wedding party declared from the improvised stage in the centre of the zoo announcing the start of the ceremony, as he wished "good health, love and solidarity" to the marrying couple.

Then the organisers began distributing candies from wedding trays and tarosiks (small presents given to unmarried guests of the wedding party).

- armenpress.am  

The more things change the more they remain the same

To Eve, who has been on hiatus for seven years, this comeback in the new year of 2008 is poignant as it is exciting. Exciting because I will be ablefor a  short space to down my investigative/political/academic pen and take upmy  quill of life and dip it liberally in happiness and laughter. Poignant because my Garden of Eden has been vandalised by the likes of Mervyn Silva.

As I dip my pen in the ink of my world I am reminded of the stars thatlit my heaven seven years ago. I quickly open up a dusty closet and pull out the file marked 'Life with Eve' where three years of weekly columns are meticulously if a little dustily sitting between the covers of two fat files.

I remember that my sister Ru's kids had featured prominently in my column in those days. A loose sheet falls out as if on cue. This is what I had written about my Sister's habit of not bringing in the children everyday to see me.

'"I have not seen your kids for a week," I ranted and raved on the phone flailing my arms and twisting the phone wires. "We'll be theretonight," Ru says quietly. "Oh, all right then," I calmed down, silent for a moment, then I continued for good measure. "If you had said tomorrow, I would have sued for custody." "What for all three?" I could almost see her smiling inthat satisfied way of hers. "Not only for all three," I warned menacingly,"for any in the future as well."'

That was then. Today as I live amongst four rambunctious dogs and two supercilious cats a sign shaped like a bone adorns the doorway. Itreads 'we got rid of the kids, the dogs were allergic to them.'

Ru's off spring I still adore and I hope they adore me despite my plan to sometimes set up a hostel in Mars and send them there.

I recall how I uncomfortably sat on hard benches all night at JosephFraser Maternity Hospital during those years my sister was spewing out babies. I turn the pagesof my file to a column titled 'Kids, Kids, Kids' and I read, 'And the sly thing has goneand produced a third,' I'd written. 'A tiny...well, no, no I tell a lie, alarge, tough looking, bald headed little thug called Adriyel.'

"Goo, goo, goo,"we say pouring over the cute chap's cot. He waggles his little finger atus menacingly. "Don't mess with me babe." That's what I see him tellingthe drooling adults.

Today, at seven years of age Adriyel is an entertaining little professor with a big vocabulary, and a don't mess with me attitude. Aspirit of largesse and generosity consumes his little person as he makes sure everyone in the house including all the pets have their piece ofChristmas cake. Never mind that Topsy my shiatsu cross terrierdecided to bringout the fruity mess and hide it behind the curtain.

Of my pure white Persian cat Solomon I'd written, "..It's not that Solomon isactually afraid of mice. Solomon turns his snout up at common or garden mice. I comfort myself it is just a matter of superior taste.

"Nonetheless Ihave been reluctant to put him to the test. My father who observes ourPersian closely seems to be of the view that the rat would sooner eat thecat... I obtained a little girl called Tiffany to be Solomon's life longcompanion.

"Looking at her snow white companion with piercing blue eyes Tiffanyblinks invitingly. Solomon blinks back. He is not accustomed to the ways ofthe world despite his 11 months in it. His pink ears twitch and he letshis eyelids droop. He is as likely to pounce on Tiff as a shy deputy vicarin a rural parish is likely to pounce on the village courtesan," I had written.

Today Solomon who succumbed to a mysterious fever in the summer of 2006lies peacefully at the end of our garden covered by a bed of purple andwhite wild flowers. But time has not always been kind to Eve. It would be five years and six days today that my father and with him the spirit and soul of our close knit family passed away as well.

Meanwhile Tiffany longs for her mate Solomon and from time to time leaves the house for a month prompting me to put up endless posters and offer rewards as I frantically search for my little brown Persian girl.

And even as I close my files and put them back in the closet I smile tomyself. Yes a lot has changed since I last wrote on these pages sevenyears ago. But change is good, it moulds us and teaches us many valuable life lessons.

I hastily glance at a paragraph I'd written in May 2001. "A couple ofdays ago I met my darling friend Ayo at the Charing Cross station in London," I'd written. "Suddenly I detected a flash of fire. I looked towards the glow. It wasAyo.

"There she was. Staring. Her eye balls popping out of their droopysockets as she set them on me like two blobs of vitriol."

"What!" I gestured, puzzled

"You have a wrinkle near your mouth," she revealed smirkily.

No sooner than I get back to Colombo I ask another of my good friends,Las, "Can you see a wrinkle on my face?" He expresses shock. Not at all, notat all. Nothing. Clear as crystal. Gorgeous, beautiful, beautiful, neverseen a better complexion.

Seven years later, today, the words beautiful and Eve have not beenuttered in the same sentence by Las in at least a year, even though he still remains one of my best friends.

However he has offered to gift Eve a treadmill if worse comes to worst.

Ah! So much has changed since Eve wrote in these columns last. Yet, themore things change as they say, the more they remain the same.

Rabbada Aiya

Getting high on tequila in the new year

Hello, hello....

Chee Chee was on furlough.....for quite sometime. So, Rubs simply did not have any stuff to write about. It has been a bad year for Lankans... I mean the last one. This one of course will be better...at least started with a bang, bang...not even a thank you Ma'am,

With the season on Chee Chee was in his element. It was party time. So, our erstwhile friend was invited to a wedding of a distant relative's doctor daughter, just returned from UK, keen to hold the celebrations in Kottangchena. Chee Chee licked his lips in anticipation.... "UK returned...huh...will be Black Label..." and it was.

The wedding party at the Kay Cee was a riot. The band was great and all sang lustily till the wee hours. The first to fall down was Fazil the Dole... always a gentleman....he fell slowly..in fact in stages....It was like the villain from a Bollywood movie falling after being shot through the arm. Doc Ranjeet rushed to his assistance calling for a torchlight (to check Faza's eyes or summin like that) and Chee Chee remarked... "why does he need a torch? There Faza is fallen where everyone can see..."

Chee Chee is strolling down the street in Mexico City and kicks a bottle lying in the street. Suddenly, out of the bottle comes a Genie. Chee Chee is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant you one wish, anything you want." Chee Chee begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking tequila." Finally Chee Chee says, "I wish to drink tequila whenever I want, so make me piss tequila." The Genie grants him his wish. When Chee Chee gets back home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses in it.

He looks at the glass and it's clear. Looks like tequila. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like tequila. So, he takes a taste and it is the best tequila he has ever tasted.

Chee Chee yells to his wife, "Dulla, Dulla, come quickly!"  She comes running down the hall and Chee Chee, takes another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it.

He tells her to drink, it is tequila! Dulla is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best tequila she has ever tasted.  The two drink and party all night.

The next night the Chee Chee comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard.

He proceeds to piss in the two glasses. The result is the same, the tequila is excellent and the couple drink until the sun comes up. Finally Friday night comes and the Chee Chee comes home and tells his wife, "Dulla, grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink tequila."

His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table.

Chee Chee begins to piss in the glass and when he fills it his wife asks him, "But Patio, why do we need only one glass?"

Chee chee raised the glass and says, "Because tonight my love, you drink from the bottle!"

Ta Ra and see you next week.  

What the......!

Knickers save the day

A British woman's underwear saved the day by doubling as an emergency fire blanket when her kitchen caught fire. John Marsey and his cousin Darren Lines were frying bread in Jenny Marsey's kitchen in Hartlepool, northeast England, on Sunday when their meal caught fire. Lines grabbed the nearest thing from a pile of laundry to put it out: his aunt's billowing, powder blue, size XL underpants. He ran them under the faucet and tossed them onto the flames, successfully smothering the fire.

Giving a rat's patootie

Last November 7 newsmedia reported that New York City's Serendipity 3 restaurant had been noted by the Guinness Book Of World Records for having the planet's most expensive dessert (a $25,000 chocolate sundae, featuring, among other delicacies, edible gold flakes). On November 16, the same news media reported that the city's Department of Health had ordered Serendipity 3 closed after inspectors found a live mouse in the kitchen, along with mouse droppings, fruit flies, house flies and more than 100 cockroaches.

Ouch! my head 

Many of today's environment-friendly new buildings are apparently terrible for birds. According to ornithologist Daniel Klem of Muhlenberg College, between 100 million and 1 billion birds are killed each year colliding with glass, with a big culprit being the generous glass construction on buildings meeting the rigorous energy and environmental standards of the US  Green Building Council.

A hole in one

A snake has been saved by surgery after mistaking four golf balls for a meal of chicken eggs, a veterinarian said Wednesday. A couple had placed the balls in their chicken coop at Nobbys Creek in New South Wales state to encourage their hen to nest, Australian Associated Press reported. They found the balls missing last month and a lumpy carpet python nearby. They took the 32-inch non-venomous snake to the nearby Currumbin Wildlife Sanctuary, where senior veterinarian Michael Pyne operated to remove the balls from the snake's intestine.

In the Paradise Isle

Mervyn Silva alias Guti Kewwa remains in the new year, despite his antics a non cabinet minister and a 'doctor' of sorts, still enjoying the patronage of the Rajapakse regime.  

Thought for the day

I consider myself to be a sagacious worker- and my sagacity means no more and no less than a fine perception of my limitations. I hope I never travel beyond my limits. Certainly, I have never done so consciously.

I am conscious of my own limitations. That con- sciousness is my only strength. Whatever I might have been able to do in my life has proceeded more than anything else out of the realisation of my own limitations.

If I was what I want to be, the fast would not have been necessary. I Would not then need to argue with anyone. My word would go straight home. Indeed, I would not even need to utter the word. The mere will on my part would suffice to produce the required effect. But I am painfully aware of my limitations.

- M. K. Gandhi