How to win the war and
Velupillai Pirapaharan, Suriya Theivam
(Sun God), self proclaimed leader and sole
representative of the 60 million Tamil
people stretching from Guyana, Jamaica and
other Caribbean islands, African countries
like South Africa, Mauritius, India, Sri
Lanka, Malaysia right down to Fiji in the
Pacific was in a furious mood.
Enna Potoo? he asked addressing his
intelligence chief, Pottu Amman; 'Why are
these Sinhalese Madayans killing me so
frequently? First they said the Indians
killed me and I was merely my double, then
Kobbekaduwa got me, the tsunami drowned me
and now I have been killed twice at
Kilinochchi by their airforce. Do these
Sinhalese fools really believe all that
Solution to many problems
Pottu, the intelligence chief explained
that the 'killing' of Pirapaharan would
solve many problems for the government, from
the high cost of rice, coconuts, petrol and
other things which have sent up inflation to
26 per cent.
Announcement of the death of the Suriya
Theivam makes the Sinhalese forget all woes
and light crackers with the money they had
to buy milk food for their infants. This had
to stop, the Suriya Theivam thundered.
'Perhaps if we say that you were only
slightly injured, it might satisfy the
sadists and they would stop announcing your
death frequently,' was Pottu's suggestion.
This was sacrilege to the Sun God.
Et Tu, Potoo? he thundered - the only
Latin his mentor Balasingham had taught him.
'Do you know I am the Sun God and shall live
till the sun, moon and stars last? I can't
get injured or die. Do you doubt my
Potoo, if you go on like this you may
have to apply for a diplomatic passport to
the Presidential Secretariat and go to
England or some other country like your
colleague Karuna did.'
Pottu begged a thousand apologies from his
lord and master. He said he would quote Mark
Twain to the media: 'Reports of my death are
highly exaggerated' and Velu was pleased.
Tell me the scorecard for the day, he
asked and Pottu said that it was evenly
balanced. The numbers killed were more or
less the same. Velu wanted the results
edited, as usual. Double their fatalities
and reduce ours to one tenth.
But in the long run, if this procedure is
followed, the numbers killed by the LTTE may
exceed the total number of Sinhalese, Pottu
pointed out. That's what I want our people
to believe, the Sun God thundered radiantly.
In Colombo, Mahinda Percy was in a
At last we have found an answer to the
LTTE bombings. Just deny that they were LTTE
bombs and where would that leave the LTTE? I
can claim we have bombed the LTTE out of
existence and they are only left with pus
vedillas, he sang out.
But as you had said they were 'dumb bombs'
said brother Gota. Mahinda the creator of
Mahinda Chinthanaya was not outdone. 'Say
that the Tigers have run out of ball
bearings for their bombs.' 'The vigilance of
our navy in the Palk Strait has prevented
ball bearings being smuggled from Tamil Nadu.
Now those typewriter strategists in
the press can't say I have no control over
'But whose bombs are exploding?' they will
ask, pointed out the brother.
'We say the matter is being investigated.
I have already said about 'other groups,
political and business interests.' A bomb
may be found at Siri Kotha or some JVPers
homes that we do not like. Our dear and
trustworthy Vermin can be entrusted with
The brothers then got down to the state of
the country or the state of the war. The
scorecard was evenly balanced said the
brother. That won't do said Mahinda. How are
we to win elections hereafter? How are we to
keep up the morale of our JVP supporters?
Reduce our casualties to one tenth the
number and increase theirs' by ten fold, was
Gota said that some opponents were
claiming that Defence Ministry spokesmen,
with the state media and privately owned
toady newspapers had killed more Tamils than
the entire Tamil population in the country.
Mahinda Percy's Godrej moustache bristled
and he broke out into a beatific smile.
'That's what I want. That's the way to win
elections,' he told his brother with little
political experience. We may not win the war
on the battlefield but we have won it in the
newspapers and on TV. That's 99 per cent of
the victory achieved.
Search for Jamis Banda
But Gota said some other things have to be
attended to. Velu, the Sun God had to be
bumped off if terrorism is to be over.
'Can't we find a James Bond - a Jamis Banda
to do the job? How about your trustworthy
Vermin?' he asked.
Mahinda Percy was furious.
'Bloody hell, no. He is much more valuable
than that. If we lose him who is there to
clout newspaper fellows who don't follow
orders? Who is there to put up those Dutu
Gemunu cardboard cut outs at Maradana
junction? Besides he specialises in Colombo
jobs such as storming night clubs and media
organisations, not storming concrete bunkers
ringed by guns. He is a brave man. Vermin is
a national treasure,' proclaimed Mahinda
Percy, ending the discussion.