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How to win the war and elections

Velupillai Pirapaharan, Suriya Theivam (Sun God), self proclaimed leader and sole representative of the 60 million Tamil people stretching from Guyana, Jamaica and other Caribbean islands, African countries like South Africa, Mauritius, India, Sri Lanka, Malaysia right down to Fiji in the Pacific was in a furious mood.

Enna Potoo? he asked addressing his intelligence chief, Pottu Amman; 'Why are these Sinhalese Madayans killing me so frequently? First they said the Indians killed me and I was merely my double, then Kobbekaduwa got me, the tsunami drowned me and now I have been killed twice at Kilinochchi by their airforce. Do these Sinhalese fools really believe all that crap?'

Solution to many problems

Pottu, the intelligence chief explained that the 'killing' of Pirapaharan would solve many problems for the government, from the high cost of rice, coconuts, petrol and other things which have sent up inflation to 26 per cent.

Announcement of the death of the Suriya Theivam makes the Sinhalese forget all woes and light crackers with the money they had to buy milk food for their infants. This had to stop, the Suriya Theivam thundered.

'Perhaps if we say that you were only slightly injured, it might satisfy the sadists and they would stop announcing your death frequently,' was Pottu's suggestion. This was sacrilege to the Sun God.

Et Tu, Potoo? he thundered - the only Latin his mentor Balasingham had taught him. 'Do you know I am the Sun God and shall live till the sun, moon and stars last? I can't get injured or die. Do you doubt my immortality?  Potoo, if you go on like this you may have to apply for a diplomatic passport to the Presidential Secretariat and go to England or some other country like your colleague Karuna did.'

Thousand apologies

Pottu begged a thousand apologies from his lord and master. He said he would quote Mark Twain to the media: 'Reports of my death are highly exaggerated' and Velu was pleased.

Tell me the scorecard for the day, he asked and Pottu said that it was evenly balanced. The numbers killed were more or less the same. Velu wanted the results edited, as usual. Double their fatalities and reduce ours to one tenth.

But in the long run, if this procedure is followed, the numbers killed by the LTTE may exceed the total number of Sinhalese, Pottu pointed out. That's what I want our people to believe, the Sun God thundered radiantly.

Colombo

In Colombo, Mahinda Percy was in a jubilant mood.

At last we have found an answer to the LTTE bombings. Just deny that they were LTTE bombs and where would that leave the LTTE? I can claim we have bombed the LTTE out of existence and they are only left with pus vedillas, he sang out.

But as you had said they were 'dumb bombs' said brother Gota. Mahinda the creator of Mahinda Chinthanaya was not outdone. 'Say that the Tigers have run out of ball bearings for their bombs.' 'The vigilance of our navy in the Palk Strait has prevented ball bearings being smuggled from Tamil Nadu.  Now those typewriter strategists in the press can't say I have no control over the Tigers.'

'But whose bombs are exploding?' they will ask, pointed out the brother.

'We say the matter is being investigated. I have already said about 'other groups, political and business interests.' A bomb may be found at Siri Kotha or some JVPers homes that we do not like. Our dear and trustworthy Vermin can be entrusted with such jobs.'

Planning strategy

The brothers then got down to the state of the country or the state of the war. The scorecard was evenly balanced said the brother. That won't do said Mahinda. How are we to win elections hereafter? How are we to keep up the morale of our JVP supporters? Reduce our casualties to one tenth the number and increase theirs' by ten fold, was the suggestion.

Gota said that some opponents were claiming that Defence Ministry spokesmen, with the state media and privately owned toady newspapers had killed more Tamils than the entire Tamil population in the country.

Mahinda Percy's Godrej moustache bristled and he broke out into a beatific smile. 'That's what I want. That's the way to win elections,' he told his brother with little political experience. We may not win the war on the battlefield but we have won it in the newspapers and on TV. That's 99 per cent of the victory achieved.

Search for Jamis Banda

But Gota said some other things have to be attended to. Velu, the Sun God had to be bumped off if terrorism is to be over. 'Can't we find a James Bond - a Jamis Banda to do the job? How about your trustworthy Vermin?' he asked.

Mahinda Percy was furious. 

'Bloody hell, no. He is much more valuable than that. If we lose him who is there to clout newspaper fellows who don't follow orders? Who is there to put up those Dutu Gemunu cardboard cut outs at Maradana junction? Besides he specialises in Colombo jobs such as storming night clubs and media organisations, not storming concrete bunkers ringed by guns. He is a brave man. Vermin is a national treasure,' proclaimed Mahinda Percy, ending the discussion.

 


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