Iíve been watching you over the rim of my
Swarovski champagne glass darling and I can
tell you I see a thing or two. Perhaps Iím
seeing double, but thatís between me and my
Moet & Chandon, thank you very much. Come to
think of it dear, you are not what one might
call a multi faceted person. Janus faced?
Yes. Two timing? May be. Friendship breaker?
Perhaps. One could almost see you in your
blue shorts and Bata tennis shoes lurking in
the playground at which ever school
playground you used to lurk in, clutching
three lozenges in one hand and the report
card of the prospective victim deviously
nicked from the table of the head master in
the other, awaiting to take care of some
family business. ĎIíll show this report to
everybody unless you join my dodge ball team
and Iíll throw these three lozenges I got
somebody else to pay for into the deal if
you cheat on my behalf,í I can almost hear
you say. Even though Thellie would not have
been born dahling during the days of your
youth. Forgive me old prune but you are
practically a fossilised remain! Unlike moi.
And look darling look. No botox.
Now where was I. Yes you being two faced
but certainly not multi faceted. If you were
a railway youíd be a mono rail. If you were
a laser printer you would be a mono laser
printer. And by begorra and begob if you
were a viral infection you will be a
Mononucleosis. I might add sweetie that if
you happen to be a mistake it would be just
like you to be a monumental mistake. Always
trying to be the best you can be. In a word
or two youíve got what we accused the young
bucks in the giggly days of our youth of
possessing. A one track mind.
A track, leading to all kinds of death,
destruction, racism, inequality, economic
ruin, and any number of calamities you can
think of. In fact, I may even go so far as
to say that if you were a girl, your dear
mother may have been tempted of a morning to
christen you calamity Jane.
And I had just witnessed the appalling
ritual of my general factotum Rosalyn wiping
her snout over the kitchen sink after a
particularly large and aromatic breakfast of
lunumiris, chicken curry and kiribath, when
I happened to glance at an email which
informed me that you had been suggested for
the Nobel peace prize. Considering dear that
I had been thinking deep thoughts about you
just a moment before I shook like an Aspen
in a light breeze and breathed a deep
breath. It is always good at times like
these to have the lungs brimming with plenty
of oxygen and what not.
Ichabod old sock, if someone hadnít
beaten me to it Iíd have beaten someone to
it insteadÖ..if you get my drift. Never mind
the critics dear. Never mind that the
suggestion came from a common or garden
propaganda website penned by some stooge
and/or office peon. After all
everybody knows that if you want anything
done all you need to do is tap the bally
peon for a couple of hundred bucks. Or in
this case Euros. Never mind the website is
reeling under hundreds of lawsuits filed in
various countries for hundreds of millions
of Uncle Samís best and brightest, at least
mídear you are given an unfettered voice.
And any man, blithering idiot though he
deserves a voice. Thellie admits that many
of the blithering idiotic statements made on
that website in your honour may find
resonance with other blithering idiots
especially the pseudo patriots lurking among
what we now term fondly as the Paradisian
You know the fellows dear, the village
bumpkins who flittered off to work in gas
stations. Some of them even come back to
work in Defence stations.
And why not dear. Why not you for the
next Nobel peace prize. I mean to say who
else has a resume quite as explosive. Carpet
bombed civilians? Check. Created a culture
of impunity? Check. Twelve media persons
killed in two years? Check. Check Check. No
Constitutional Council appointed to ensure
independence? Check. Abductions and killings
daily? Check. A spirit of fear? Check. A War
to annihilate? Check. Annihilation for
peace? Check. Getting together with armed
para military factions? Check. Rampant
Corruption? Check. A usurper to the
presidency due to election fraud? Check.
Fraudulent elections in the east by bullet?
Check. Malevolent Dictatorship? Check.
Blatant Nepotism? Check.
Check, check, check. I feel like Iím a
bally waiter at a busy restaurant in
Odds bodikins Mídear, I donít think even
Robert Mugabe has such a bubbling curriculum
vitae. My only worry dear is that the
Burmese Junta might sneak in an application
before you. There you are tucking into your
rice packet of an evening and the fellows
rush over to the local TNT budget courier
and dispatch a resume. Remember with the
rice crisis in Irrawaddi it is unlikely they
will be lolling about tucking into rice
while they should be working at their
application. Tell you vhaat darling, get
that smutty mutt vaashing his hands in the
toilet bowls of Sveden to pen your resume
I mean to say darling, recall the time
you became Sri Lankan of the year a la
the Daily Noise when it was edited by that
bottom licking dung beetle? I believe you
sent him off to the land of the Maple leaf
to do what he does best. Never mídear in my
life as teetotaller have I ever seen a
browner tongue on a darker man.
Ah well, it takes all kinds dear, it
takes all kinds.
Hereís to your Nobel peace prize dear.
Send me a bottle of Jamaican rum with the
prize money will ya!
Tara for now