I was walking through the UN General
Assembly to the standing, thunderous and
rapturous rounds of applause of all men and
women present. As I walked passed pathetic
looking George W. Bush with tears in his
eyes he gave me a grateful namasthe with his
hands clasped. Condi Rice did the same. The
dour looking Scot, Gordon Brown tried to
smile. I ignored him. Ban Ki Moon was all
smiles like the Ramazan moon. I ignored him
too. It was time to recognise only true
friends. I walked to the podium.
The Chairman announced: 'This man saved
America and with it the world. Without much
ado I call upon him to address the
distinguished heads of state and delegates.'
I started in Tamil reading off the Romanised
script. It was essential to hit back at
those who called me a genocidal maniac and
other unfair terms. It was essential even if
it meant Double Dutch to the UN audience.
Newest and biggest
I said: Distinguished heads of states and
delegates. Some of you already know why, I
the head of state of a small insignificant
country, have been called upon to make this
special address. I have saved the newest and
the biggest Failed State in the world: The
United States of
with it the rest of the world.
The entire UN stood on their feet and
brought upon rounds and rounds of applause
which seemed interminable.
This was the moment I had been dreaming of
since I was a kid - announcing to the world
that I had single-handed saved it. I wish my
parents and my teachers who always
considered me a rotter were there.
I continued as the cheers subsided. I am the
chairman of the regional South Asian
Organisation called SAARC. Cynics even back
at home call it KAAK because they think that
all we do is to crow about ourselves. So
when I heard the news while in New York for these sessions that giant American banks were collapsing, one
after the other, I thought it was like 9/11
and went out of my hotel to see the banks
collapsing like the
Twin Towers did.
But the banks were standing quite firmly.
Only they had gone bankrupt. I, as a true
Buddhist, felt sorry and decided something
had to be done like what one of my
country's leaders did - although I did not
like him at all - after the Japanese defeat
in World War II. Nahi verena verani (Hatred
does not cease with hatred but by love), he
pleaded with the victorious powers to
So I summoned other leaders of SAARC who
were in New York for the sessions and said
we must help this newest and biggest Failed
State even though some of us were
categorised as Failed States by them, put on
top of the indices for corruption and
violation of human rights. The SAARC leaders
readily agreed but how were we to do this?
Our region was the poorest of the poor, we
did not have funds, Manmohan Singh from
neighbouring India said.
This was the typical thinking of ex-World
Bank vice-presidents. Before starting on
anything they think of funding. I am of a
different frame of mind. My philosophy which
I call Chinthana is: When in difficulties,
con your way through. That was what
Confucius, the great thinker also said.
Robert Mugabe of
is of a similar frame of mind. Remember how
he brought down inflation in his country
which was shooting well past 1000 per cent.
He brought it down to one per cent by
cutting out the zeros. I too am inspired by
an economist of the same kind heading out
Central Bank. He brings down the cost of
living by ignoring some of the prices that
are pushing up the cost of living index. And
ABRACADABRA the COL comes down!
So how do we find the funding? It's simple.
Mugabe and I have been doing it for quite
sometime. Print currency. We printed rupees.
For this purpose print dollar notes in our
countries. The printing presses of privately
owned newspapers now vested in government
are performing admirable tasks such as
publishing the great achievements of Third
World leaders like me.
When they are not engaged in such
commendable tasks, we can be printing dollar
notes in all Third World country presses and
the world will be awash with dollar notes.
The banks will be flooded with dollar notes.
Their liquidity will overflow. Investor
confidence will be restored, investments
made and all those collapsed banks will be
back on their feet and so will other banks
in European and Asian capitals.
That distinguished ladies and gentlemen is
my rescue package and it has been accepted
by President George Bush and other world
Never has the UN General Assembly in its
60-year-old history witnessed such wild
I knew that with this speech I had bagged
the Nobel Peace Prize and all the highest
national honours that the 160 odd countries
of the United Nations could bestow. But I
wanted to make sure. I continued speaking.
Distinguished heads of state and delegates,
I also wish to announce that I have solved
the world food crisis. There are various
ways and means suggested how it could be
done such as what SAARC attempted at its
last summit with the establishment of a
regional food bank.
But we soon realised that there can be no
such bank without sufficient food in the
region. Soon after our conference was over,
India, Bangladesh, Nepal and Sri Lanka were
inundated with floods. My country had to
import rice from Myanmar which was being hit
by a cyclone - the worst ever. On deep
meditation I concluded that in reality there
was no food crisis in any country. The fault
was that the people were eating too much -
three meals a day.
Confucius had advised: 'Eat a good lunch and
give your dinner to the enemy.' Thus the
answer is, eat just one meal a day as most
of my people do because they have no money
to eat any more. There will be no obesity,
diabetes, gastritis, gastroenteritis, cardio
vascular diseases, et al. Only a little bit
of malnutrition can be caused which is good
for the health.
The third announcement was that I had solved
the fuel crisis. Our brown pukka sahibs have
been laughing at the ancient oils of our
people - thailayas, saravavisadhiyas and
pippalepayas, pol thel etc. But now we have
discovered that these are alternative
biofuels. Two drops of pippalepaya into the
fuel tanks can pep up your Ferrari or
Masserati to roar at 160 mph in a few
seconds. Now it is not: Going Well - Going
Shell but Going Well - Apey Thel. This once
again brought the house down.
Lastly gentlemen, I have solved the problem
of terrorism and ended the argument about
whether a political solution or a military
solution as being the ultimate solution. The
solution is still kept confidential but I
will announce it to the world when I solve
my terrorist problem.
I got up and walked out of the assembly hall
to the ecstatic, thunderous applause ringing
in my ears by a grateful world. Outside in
the lobby, I ran across a pestiferous
reporter from The Leader, who dared ask 'Mr.
President, is everything you said true or is
it the usual conning?'
This got my goat - the whole world gives me
a standing ovation and this fellow from that
rag is asking me whether I am conning! I
delivered a lusty kick at him but missed
him, slipped and fell twisting my knee and
'Aney ammo, ridenewo,' I howled in pain.
My dear wife who was sleeping next to me was
shaking me. 'You are once again having
nightmares. I told you to stop carousing
late into the night.'
Bloody hell! I had been dreaming the dream
which I had longed to live through. What to
It was still a good dream.