How I saved America and the world

I was walking through the UN General Assembly to the standing, thunderous and rapturous rounds of applause of all men and women present. As I walked passed pathetic looking George W. Bush with tears in his eyes he gave me a grateful namasthe with his hands clasped. Condi Rice did the same. The dour looking Scot, Gordon Brown tried to smile. I ignored him. Ban Ki Moon was all smiles like the Ramazan moon. I ignored him too. It was time to recognise only true friends. I walked to the podium.

The Chairman announced: 'This man saved America and with it the world. Without much ado I call upon him to address the distinguished heads of state and delegates.'

I started in Tamil reading off the Romanised script. It was essential to hit back at those who called me a genocidal maniac and other unfair terms. It was essential even if it meant Double Dutch to the UN audience.

Newest and biggest Failed State

I said: Distinguished heads of states and delegates. Some of you already know why, I the head of state of a small insignificant country, have been called upon to make this special address. I have saved the newest and the biggest Failed State in the world: The United States of America and with it the rest of the world.

The entire UN stood on their feet and brought upon rounds and rounds of applause which seemed interminable.

This was the moment I had been dreaming of since I was a kid - announcing to the world that I had single-handed saved it. I wish my parents and my teachers who always considered me a rotter were there.

I continued as the cheers subsided. I am the chairman of the regional South Asian Organisation called SAARC. Cynics even back at home call it KAAK because they think that all we do is to crow about ourselves. So when I heard the news while in New York for these sessions that giant American banks were collapsing, one after the other, I thought it was like 9/11 and went out of my hotel to see the banks collapsing like the Twin Towers did.

But the banks were standing quite firmly. Only they had gone bankrupt. I, as a true Buddhist, felt sorry and decided something had to be done like what one of  my country's  leaders did - although I did  not like him at all - after the Japanese defeat in World War II. Nahi verena verani (Hatred does not cease with hatred but by love), he pleaded with the victorious powers to forgive Japan.

Rescue plan

So I summoned other leaders of SAARC who were in New York for the sessions and said we must help this newest and biggest Failed State even though some of us were categorised as Failed States by them, put on top of the indices for corruption and violation of human rights. The SAARC leaders readily agreed but how were we to do this? Our region was the poorest of the poor, we did not have funds, Manmohan Singh from neighbouring India said.

This was the typical thinking of ex-World Bank vice-presidents. Before starting on anything they think of funding. I am of a different frame of mind. My philosophy which I call Chinthana is: When in difficulties, con your way through. That was what Confucius, the great thinker also said.

Robert Mugabe of Zimbabwe is of a similar frame of mind. Remember how he brought down inflation in his country which was shooting well past 1000 per cent. He brought it down to one per cent by cutting out the zeros. I too am inspired by an economist of the same kind heading out Central Bank. He brings down the cost of living by ignoring some of the prices that are pushing up the cost of living index. And ABRACADABRA the COL comes down!

Funding

So how do we find the funding?  It's simple. Mugabe and I have been doing it for quite sometime. Print currency. We printed rupees. For this purpose print dollar notes in our countries. The printing presses of privately owned newspapers now vested in government are performing admirable tasks such as publishing the great achievements of Third World leaders like me.

When they are not engaged in such commendable tasks, we can be printing dollar notes in all Third World country presses and the world will be awash with dollar notes. The banks will be flooded with dollar notes. Their liquidity will overflow. Investor confidence will be restored, investments made and all those collapsed banks will be back on their feet and so will other banks in European and Asian capitals.

That distinguished ladies and gentlemen is my rescue package and it has been accepted by President George Bush and other world leaders.

Never has the UN General Assembly in its 60-year-old history witnessed such wild scenes.

I knew that with this speech I had bagged the Nobel Peace Prize and all the highest national honours that the 160 odd countries of the United Nations could bestow. But I wanted to make sure. I continued speaking.

Food crisis

Distinguished heads of state and delegates, I also wish to announce that I have solved the world food crisis. There are various ways and means suggested how it could be done such as what SAARC attempted at its last summit with the establishment of a regional food bank.

But we soon realised that there can be no such bank without sufficient food in the region. Soon after our conference was over, India, Bangladesh, Nepal and Sri Lanka were inundated with floods. My country had to import rice from Myanmar which was being hit by a cyclone - the worst ever. On deep meditation I concluded that in reality there was no food crisis in any country. The fault was that the people were eating too much - three meals a day.

Confucius had advised: 'Eat a good lunch and give your dinner to the enemy.' Thus the answer is, eat just one meal a day as most of my people do because they have no money to eat any more. There will be no obesity, diabetes, gastritis, gastroenteritis, cardio vascular diseases, et al. Only a little bit of malnutrition can be caused which is good for the health.

Fuel crisis

The third announcement was that I had solved the fuel crisis. Our brown pukka sahibs have been laughing at the ancient oils of our people - thailayas, saravavisadhiyas and pippalepayas, pol thel  etc. But now we have discovered that these are alternative biofuels. Two drops of pippalepaya into the fuel tanks can pep up your Ferrari or Masserati to roar at 160 mph in a few seconds. Now it is not: Going Well - Going Shell but Going Well - Apey Thel. This once again brought the house down.

Terrorism

Lastly gentlemen, I have solved the problem of terrorism and ended the argument about whether a political solution or a military solution as being the ultimate solution. The solution is still kept confidential but I will announce it to the world when I solve my terrorist problem.

The Leader

I got up and walked out of the assembly hall to the ecstatic, thunderous applause ringing in my ears by a grateful world. Outside in the lobby, I ran across a pestiferous reporter from The Leader, who dared ask 'Mr. President, is everything you said true or is it the usual conning?'

This got my goat - the whole world gives me a standing ovation and this fellow from that rag is asking me whether I am conning! I delivered a lusty kick at him but missed him, slipped and fell twisting my knee and ankle.

'Aney ammo, ridenewo,' I howled in pain.

My dear wife who was sleeping next to me was shaking me. 'You are once again having nightmares. I told you to stop carousing late into the night.'

Bloody hell! I had been dreaming the dream which I had longed to live through. What to do?