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A Billion Rupee Blackout
Following our expose last week on that energetic champion of all things cee e bee has had disastrous results for manthrithuma Champika. The power & energy lot have had little option but to make immediate provisions to secure 100 MW of Emergency Power. The quaintness of the English language has been used however to make this announcement less dramatic: It is now called “Supplementary Power”. In Romeo and Juliet, they said, “a rose by any other name would smell as sweet’ except that at the cee e bee emergency power by any other name would cost the same astronomical amount. The agent of a leading power supplier has been called a “Bloodsucker” in describing the situ this paradise isle is in thanks to the diesel mafia. That dear boy Thiru with Suba are at play. Making hay while the sun shines. Hmmm!

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UL Hits An Air Pocket
A little bird whispers that UL is to take wing in July this year to the land of the kangaroos.  At huge cost dear boy. At huge cost.  The silly blots are to give up their two daily slots in the UK and fly instead only once a day to Blighty. The remaining slots are up for grabs – To who pray? The Emirs for sure. So there! Another one bites the dust eh?.

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Ravi The Lone Ranger
Ravi Kay received an invite from ‘His Worship’ our dear boy Muzza. It was to grace the occasion of the visit by dear Mahin-deer  to the Wellawatta Market & Multi-storey car park. Muzza sent out invites to all the members of the CMC. Ravi Kay as Colombo District organizer got one too. He then spent much of his time trying his best to ask fellow UNPers at the CMC to boycott the event. As it turned out all members of the UNP attended and Ravi Kay was the only one missing. Well at least none can accuse this green man of not having a backbone. Hear! Hear!

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A Minister at Large
The flip side to the tamasha was this: with expensive cards printed and a large gathering invited, the prez spent a maximum of 7 minutes at the market – entering from downstairs and exiting in his car which was in the multi-storey car park.  Fowzie was spotted without much to do and with his diary somewhat out of sync what with the Prez making an extremely short visit, was spotted on Charlemont Road knocking on a friend’s door. Perhaps he discussed naughty Nowzer and his drawing of a gun near the Cinnamon Gardens Police station. Tee Hee!

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Expressway to fast food
The glorious highway, no sorry expressway, now provides numerous drive-throughs according to firebrand red comrade Kay Dee Lal. Fine cuisine is on the menu with porcupine and rabbit up for grabs after being run over by our speeding chefs. Family picnics have been encouraged, you just need to grab your dinner on the way to the beach. Bottom line: Expressway a killing failure.

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A failing success
Love-Jayantha who Ministers all that is fuel helped us get oil this week by meeting Oh-Man’s oil minister. In a shrewd move of negotiating Lover decided to show how bad the Cee Pee Cee really is. Of course who would not give us oil at a cheap price, we do hold the worst petroleum company or so the ministering angel says.

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Unemployment to rise?
The hard working boys in the cabinet may feel the pinch of the economy soon, Ma-hinder cabinet reshuffle may in fact see some of the honest johnnies out of work. Of course we do not need ten chaps to oversee one road being built. Poor fellows, after all the hard work they have done for us

UL  And Those Southern  Lasses
Do you all know what those winsome lasses in the deep south are now queuing for? To don that peacock sari and trip down the isle of an A340. All thanks to dear ole Mahindeer who as prez has decided the national carrier shall hire as many lasses from down ham-ban-to-ta way a la dakunay diriya! Talk about favouritism, eh? The issue is however that some of them were already married. And one had her face shot off by an irate hubby for trying to move out of her marital abode in order to prove to the bird that flies that she was still single! What A Comedy Of Errors!
Ra-kneel And His Farewell Note
Ra-kneel took a ride to Injun land last week leaving behind a farewell note for Parliament and Party alike. Confusion galore resulted with party members left scratching their heads over who was barking the orders now. John had been told rather as an afterthought to deputize. For what John had no clue! Clearly Ra-kneel is proving he does not take lightly all those who said that they don’t like his face no more. Sniff! Sniff!

Those Performing Stud Bulls
Aru-mugam  was sold 10 stud bulls by the boys Down Under,  for 30 million smackers. They all arrived with strict instructions to be naughty. Well at 3 million bucks a piece the bally bulls had better perform!  And there was our own dear boy aru-mugam all excited rushing to the BIA to say hello to the 10 studs who arrived coinciding with pongal too.
Hmmm!

The Name Game
Our beloved artiste of yesteryear gets to be re-named or re-instated with the Provincial Council in the Western Parts, this time passing the ball to the CMC court seeking a name change – Again! Nelum Pokuna Mawatha may just have another name swap with the UNP types proposing it to be changed back to Ananda Coomaraswarmy Mawatha. If passed it would be the fourth name change for the same road.  Hee! Hee!

Guess what? Those brawny males who fly at the helm of the Prez’ pet project were recently in for a shock when in a sharing of resources between the two national carriers the pilots failed to pass the test to fly UL. Further training is required they were told. What the heck  were they doing flying mahindeer-maama’s mihin? Well time will soon tell if one of those big birds simply do not take off or come crashing down. We will all know those simulator sessions are simply not on! Aaargh!!!

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Just Not Cricket!

And so Upali of now cricket board fame or is it ill-fame??? uttered a gem when he spoke to the wild assess on assuming the hot seat.  Without batting an eyelid he deadpanned that he had held a “pooja” to “dispel the evil spirits” that had thus far prevailed within the board of the bat and ball.  Ha ha ha ha!!!  When is this blasted board gonna shift its form and stop itself from being the laughing stock of the rest of world eh?  Billions of billious barbecued blue blistering barnacles!

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Sugar And Spice

Rosy beatific and resourceful eagerly stepped forward to grab mahindeer maama’s paw at a recent do hosted at the speaker’s house. She told the prez she had repeatedly tried to come see him at the araliya mandiriya but was never granted an audience.  Mahindeer instantly replied, “Ah that must be,  Shiranthee – not letting you near me.” And a blushing Rosy was quick to say, “No, No, I was only trying to come talk to you about an increased allocation for the female kind.”  Rosy we now hear is to trip down to the mandiriya tomorrow maybe. Atta Girl!

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One For You One For Me

So Sajeet the sole nuisance value in the now defunct aliyas was told his office as deputy at the green’s watering hole is to be placed under lock and key. Sajeet told all and sundry he will from now on and hereafter use Ra-kneels office and “pack it with people.” Hmmmm.  Wonder what the green man will have to say to that. Totter forward with another brick maybe! Hee! Hee!

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Where Are Those Certificates?
And did we all know that mahindeer-maama never passed his ALs? No we did not! Well! Well! who said to be a manthrithuma or even a prez in this ole isle requires any passes, eh? Read our inside pages for the gory spicy details daarlings. Tata!

Hey–mantha Colourkulasun legal eagle and one time diplomutt based in the salubrious climes of Italia had an audience with His Holiness the PopeBenedict XVI’s .  Lanka’s black coat had barely left the August chambers of his holiness before Benedict fell on his knees at the altar of his Lord and God hands clasped tightly saying:  “My Lord thank you for showing me the devil. At least now I know who he is!” Hee! Hee!

Voetlights And Fistfights

And Colourkulasun was at it again – trying hard to get his name in print when a scuffle took place recently at the black coats annual supper.  He hurriedly telephoned a compatriot and colleague for whose blood the ed of another rag was after and chided him for not calling him to appear and save his colleague’s butt. Or is it fist? But the other legal eagle had plenty of black coated muscle to free him from possible chains and muttered “No Thank You.” Poor Hey-mantha has to now confine his hopes of further fame to proving that the mafia thug he is defending is not brain dead after all. Or ensure the thug… brain dead or not remains free from being thrown into a damp and dark cell. Ouch!

Those Wild Asses

The Supreme Court ruled that there cannot be a nativity scene in Parliament this Christmas season in Sri Lanka.  However, that was not for any religious reason, but because they simply have not been able to find three wise men in Parliament.  And the search for a Virgin continues. There was no problem however in finding enough asses to fill the stable. Hmm!

Southern Madmen

But one place nobody was concerned about the lack of a nativity scene was down South. Christmas Eve it was all guns and goons. And a ruling party thug – (no surprises there) was in his element not only stabbing but shooting at party revellers succeeding in killing one and seriously injuring another. The tragedy of this ugly and sordid fracas is that this same gun-toting thug killed another and pleaded insanity not too long ago. But due to him being pals with those who only matter in this banana republic the guy got off scot free to kill again another day. Certainly a land like no other, eh?

Rajapaksaland

Remember this song we used to all hum along to not so long ago. Only, more recently it has been ‘updated’ and the new version goes something like this. “This land belongs to us, this land belongs to me… This land belongs to the five of us, to ruin it completely…” No prizes offered for the title of this song. Who said this land belongs to all of us? Hmph!

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The War Of The M and Ms
Meanwhile Mili Boy is mourning the loss of his room. Even the police had to be summoned with Mili Boy supposedly trying to break locks to get into his meeting room. All lies, was the general shout from the Opposing side. So no unity for the See Em See, but there’s balm in Gilead… for our Mili Boy has been flown off to Os Low to lay low and talk about the failed peace process. Meanwhile poor Muse A the mayor gets no trips. Sin men!

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It’s a Bird, it’s a Plane…
And these days have seen a whole new breed of Super Cop. The policing types from Kota Awa to Pin A Duwa must be lining up for traffic duty all of a sudden for the expressway—for they’ll be allowed to chase the wrongdoers in special speeding cars. Subarus, no less. Hmmm… when can we sign up eh??

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It’s Not About The Money

These days, our el Presidente is in the Mall Dives for the SAARC summit. During his speech he made a very interesting point. He claimed that all SAARC members didn’t measure development in terms of money. This comes a few days after the Aquiring of State Assets Bill where all loss making state institutions could be snapped up by the Blue Boys for a right royal upheaval. But of course, that’s not for money’s sake. No, it must be the deeply held spiritual beliefs he spoke of… Right??

Election Time Again

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Coming Colours
The seniors within the Blues are annoyed that they’re being given the step-motherly treatment. A raid on Lansa of Knee Gum Bo was followed by one of Mai Three Pala in Polonnaruwa town and another on Knee Flower Silva in Badulla. All because they sympathized with Bar A The instead of Doo Min Der. Coming colours for the Blues?
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Treating Or Drugging?
So the newly appointed General Type of all things Sporty and Medical said that he would separate the Drugging Unit from the Treating Unit. “Not good no, if those giving the drugs are also testing them?” he told an attentive group of rag-writers. Wise words, indeed!

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Drunk On Power?
Sonna Boy is in the desert voicing his opinions on the bat and ball game in his new role of commentator. So far we have not heard that the “boys are doing well” bit. But a little bird whispers that he wants to remain the power behind the scenes and is working in getting his horses in places in and out of Maitland Place… So far resistance from a former opening batter is keeping him at bay… not right my boy not quite right.

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Bad Wolf
The former Attorney that is General of Bull Dog fame is an advisor of sorts to Il Presidente. The last Attorney that is general of perisi Koppa fame is also an adviser of another sort to him. A former Cee Jay is yet another advisor of some sort but the only man to miss the cut is THE former Cee Jay Silver. Of course Silver is a wolf in sheep’s clothing. Woof! Woof!

For some of our politikkas, it’s nothing but the best. On Thursday, none other than Merv the Perv was spotted with his lady-in-waiting and three others. They were dining in style at the Hill Ton. There was the premium stuff in the brown ceramic bottle and grub from the Land of the Rising Sun. Who said our favourite politikka had run away? Shaaa…

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That’s Not Cricket

This week, everyone has descended upon the Diyawanna to debate budgetary matters. But while most of the Blue Boys turned up to pass the Appropriate Bill, one face was missing. Who? None other than Sana Boy, who was sitting pretty in the land of Abu D, doing a spot of commentating. Seems like he’s got his priorities straight eh? We’re sure the rest of the Blue Boys were “stumped.” Howzzat?!

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Foot In Mouth

This week the big news was the death of Lib Yeah’s Gadfly. One by one all began to release their statements, and the man from the Moon was among them. He had his speech planned- down to a quote from Churchill, no less. Unfortunately, the quote was incorrect, and the Moon man ended up saying it was the beginning of the end for Lib Yeah. This prompted a presenter to remark that the Moon man’s speech-writer must have downloaded the entire thing of a site on the World of all things Webby. Tsk, tsk!

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Doing The Math

This week, all things Budgetary are being debated. So we at this ole rag think it’s time for some analysis. Let’s see – the Governing types receive income from us lowly people. So, it would follow that the expenditure would also go towards the people, no? No. For glancing through the allocations, it seems heavily weighted towards one family. No prizes for guessing which one it is! Hmm…