For example, let’s look at the latest sensation in the clubbing scene, MOJO’s. MOJO’s does something that no other club in Colombo (that I know of) does, they have a line outside the club, and bouncers decide who gets in and who doesn’t. Now this is quite typical in the US, most of us have seen it happening in movies, but this never happens here. And since we’re Sri Lankan, it’s a problem. It’s not just a problem; it’s an insult, it’s offensive to do something like that. Seriously.

Another instance was at the recent album launch of local Heavy Metal giants Stigmata. Now, with the venue being a school’s auditorium, it would seem obvious to some that there would be certain restrictions. No smoking, no alcohol, and of course, no illegal substances, or objects that could cause harm to members of the audience or the performers. So they had bouncers frisking ticket-holders before they came in. This was found to be offensive.

Why is this?

I suppose it might be the fact that we’re so used to a certain norm, and when that changes, there’s naturally resistance. But does this happen more often in our country than others? I wonder. It’s entertaining to flip through Facebook and find people ranting away about how they were frisked and their cigarettes taken away, slamming the band for allowing it to happen. Personally, I don’t think that’s fair. You can’t really blame them for choosing a good venue and then having to enforce regulations. It’s a compromise that has to be made. But the metal scene here is used to having gigs at clubs, with smoke filling the air and beer and arrack galore. How long is it going to take till we get used to this?

Until then it’s going to be entertaining, at least for me, to watch people fight and argue over whether or not these rules should be enforced in the first place and who’s to blame. It’s a lot of fun watching people pointing fingers, as long as they’re not pointing them at you. Oh, the times they are a’changing.

by Imaad Majeed

I can’t think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they’re dead. (Laura Kightlinger)

Worried Man

Two astrophysicists are discussing their research in a bar one evening when a drunk who has been sitting and listening in at the next seat turns and says, in a very worried voice, “What was that you just said!?” “We were discussing stellar evolution and I said to my colleague here that the sun would run out of nuclear fuel and turn into a red giant star in about 5 billion years, possibly melting the Earth.”

“Whew!,” says the drunk, “You really had me worried. I thought you said 5 million.”

Three English Words

A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by the border fence. He pulls him out and says “Sorry, you know the law, you’ve got to go back across the border right now.” The Mexican man pleads, “No, noooo Senor, I must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!”

The Border Patrol Agent thinks to himself, I’m going to make it hard for him and says, “Ok, I’ll let you stay if you can use three English words in a sentence.” The Mexican man of course agrees. The Border Patrol Agent tells him, “The 3 words are: Green, Pink and Yellow. Now use them in one sentence.” The Mexican man thinks really hard for about two minutes, then says, “Hmm, Ok. The phone, it went Green, Green, Green, I Pink it up and sez Yellow?”

Finding The Answers

The following questions were set in last year’s GCSE examination in Swindon, England. These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)
Q. Name the four seasons.
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q. How is dew formed?
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q. What causes the tides in the oceans?
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight.
Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed.
Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.
Q. What are steroids?
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q. What happens to your body as you age?
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A. Premature death.
Q. What is artificial insemination?
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.
Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?
A. Keep it in the cow.
Q. How are the main parts of the body categorised? (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts – the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O and U.
Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie.
Q. What does ‘varicose’ mean?
A. Nearby.
Q. What is the most common form of birth control?
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
Q. Give the meaning of the term ‘Caesarean section’.
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome.
Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor.
Q. What is a terminal illness?
A. When you are sick at the airport.
Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is its characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas.
Q. Use the word ‘judicious’ in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.
Q. What does the word ‘benign’ mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Sheik wears on his head.

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, “This is phenomenal. You’ve graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we’d hire you without a second thought.

However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we’re afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I’m sorry….we can’t hire you.”

“But wait,” he said. “If I take two aspirins, I’ll stop winking!”
“Really? Great! Show me!”

So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.

“Well,” said the interviewer, “that’s all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanising all over the country!” “Womanising? What do you mean? I’m a happily married man!” “Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?”

“Oh, that,” he sighed. “Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?”

Rich Man

Once there was a girl who wanted a boyfriend. Her mom wanted to help her, so she set up a blind date for her daughter. When the girl got back from the date she said “That was the worst night of my life!”

“Why is that?” her mom asked.
“He owns a 1922 Rolls Royce!”
“Isn’t that a good thing?”
“He’s the original owner mom!”

The Boss

A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife so he went to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home.

He had finished the book by the time he reached his house. The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, “From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward.

“Then, after dinner, you’re going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I’m finished with my bath, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?”

“The funeral director,” said his wife.

Positive Feedback

A linguistics professor was lecturing his class.

“In English,” he explained, “a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative.”

“However,” the professor continued, “there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.”

A voice from the back of the room piped up. “Yeah, right.”

Monkey Tricks

Once upon a time in a place overrun with monkeys, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each. The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest, and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, they became harder to catch, so the villagers stopped their effort. The man then announced that he would now pay $20 for each one.

This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again. But soon the supply diminished even further and they were ever harder to catch, so people started going back to their farms and forgot about monkey catching.

The man increased his price to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so sparse that it was an effort to even see a monkey, much less catch one.

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys for $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on his behalf.

While the man was away the assistant told the villagers. ‘Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has bought. I will sell them to you at $35 each and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each.’

The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys. They never saw the man nor his assistant again and once again there were monkeys everywhere. Now you know how the stock market works.

The Supplies

An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Chinese fellow were hired at a construction site. The foreman pointed out a huge pile of sand and told the Italian guy, “You’re in charge of sweeping.” To the Scotsman he said, “You’re in charge of shoveling.” And to the Chinese guy, “You’re in charge of supplies.”

He then said, “Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile.”

The foreman went away for a of couple hours, and, when he returned, the pile of sand was untouched. He asked the Italian, “Why didn’t you sweep any of it?” The Italian replied, “I no hava no broom. You said to the Chinese fella that he a wasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere.” Then the foreman turned to the Scotsman and said, “And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile.”

The Scotsman replied, “Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th’ Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnay fin’ him either.” The foreman was really angry by now and stormed off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy.

Just then, the Chinese guy jumped out from behind the pile of sand and yelled…
“SUPPLIES!!”

The Generous Lawyer

A divorce court judge said to the husband, “Mr. Geraghty, I have reviewed this case very carefully and I’ve decided to give your wife $800 a week.”

“That’s very fair, your honour,” he replied. “And every now and then I’ll try to send her a few bucks myself.”

Where Is That Monkey?

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost.

So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having him for lunch. The dachshund thinks, “OK, I’m in deep trouble now!” Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, “Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here.” Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. “Whew,” says the leopard. “That was close. That dachshund nearly had me.” Meanwhile, a monkey, who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes.

But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Here monkey, hop on my back and see what’s going to happen to that conniving canine.” Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, “What am I going to do now?” But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn’t seen them yet … and, just when they get close enough to hear, the dachshund says……

“Where’s that darn monkey? Sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard.”

$5000 Safe Driver Award

A guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer,
“Is there a problem, Officer?” “No problem at all.

I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you’re going to do with the money?” The driver thought for a minute and said, “Well, I guess I’ll go get that drivers’ license.” The lady sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, “Oh, don’t pay attention to him he’s a smart butt, he’s drunk and stoned. The guy from the back seat said, “I TOLD you guys we wouldn’t get far in a stolen car!”

At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, “Are we over the border yet?”

What Happened?

Guy shows up late for work. The boss yells “You should have been here at 8:30!” he replies: “Why? What happened at 8:30?”

Bigger Problems

TV commercials now show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem. (Jerry Seinfeld)

These are notes that school secretaries have actually received. Some of these were in an article in the Detroit News back in the 1970s.

“Please excuse John for being absent Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and 33.”

“Mary could not go to school because she was bothered by very close veins.”

“Ralph was absent yesterday because of a sour throat.”

“Please excuse Joey Friday. He had loose vowels.”

“Please excuse Joyce from jim today.”

“Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. He fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.”
“Karl was hit yesterday playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.”

“John was absent yesterday because he had a stomach.”

“Please excuse Gloria. She has been sick and under the doctor.”

“My son will have to get out of school as soon as I call the orthodontist, one of his wrists is busted and sticking in his gum’s.”

“Please excuse Sarah from being absent yesterday. She was sick and I had her shot.”

“My son is under the doctors care and should not take P. E. Please execute him.”

“Irving was absent this morning because he missed his bust.”

“Please excuse Johnny for being. It was his father’s fault.”

An Ear For Sensitivity

Sadly, Dave was born without ears. And, though he proved to be very successful in business, this ear problem annoyed him greatly.

One day he needed to hire a new manager for his company, so he set up three interviews.

The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to know and was very interesting.

At the end of the interview, Dave asked him, “Do you notice anything ‘different’ about me?”

“Why, yes, I couldn’t help but notice that you have no ears,” came the reply.

Dave did not appreciate his candor and threw him out of the office.
The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. Again, Dave asked her the same question, “Do you notice anything ‘different’ about me?”

“Well,” she said stammering, “you have no ears.”

Dave again got upset and chucked her out in a rage.

The third and final interviewee was the best of the bunch. He was a young man who had recently earned his BA. He was smart.

He was handsome, and he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together. Dave was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question,

“Do you notice anything ‘different’ about me?”

Much to his surprise the young man answered, “Yes, you wear contact lenses, don’t you?”

Dave was shocked and realised this was an incredibly observant person.

“How in the world did you know that?” he asked.

The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, “Well, it’s pretty hard to wear glasses with no damned ears!”

Work Ethics

A father is explaining ethics to his son, who is about to go into business. “Suppose a woman comes in and orders a hundred dollars worth of material. You wrap it up, and you give it to her. She pays you with a $100 bill. But as she goes out the door you realise she’s given you two $100 bills.

Now, here’s where the ethics come in: should you or should you not tell your partner?”

A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free.

Don’t marry for money, you can borrow it cheaper.

My wife ran off with my best friend last week. I miss him!

May you grow so rich your widow’s second husband never has to worry about a living — God forbid.

Marriage is a romantic story, in which the hero dies in the first chapter.

Every man should get married some time; after all, happiness is not the only thing in life!

Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.

If you are afraid of loneliness, do not marry — Chekhov.

Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence — a life sentence.

Marriage puts a ring on a woman’s finger and two under the man’s eyes.

My wife submits and I obey; she always lets me have her way.

Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.

New Friend

A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously imbibing shots of whisky. One of his friends happens to come into the bar and sees him.

“Lou,” says the shocked friend, “what are you doing? I’ve known you for over 15 years, and I’ve never seen you take a drink before. What’s going on?”

Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the man replies, “My wife just ran off with my best friend.”

He then throws back another shot of whisky in one gulp.

“But,” says the other man, “I’m your best friend!”

The man turns to his friend, looks at him through bloodshot eyes, smiles, and then slurs,

“Not anymore!… He is!”

A politician walks into a hardware store and asks for a chain saw that will cut six trees in one hour as he felt he needed to do some physical activity while making a fast buck.

The salesman recommends the top of the line model. The politician is suitably impressed, and buys it. The next day he brings it back, complaining that it would only cut down one tree and it took ALL DAY!  The salesman takes the chain saw, starts it up to see what’s wrong, and the flustered politician  says, “What’s that noise?”

Fishing

A kind-hearted fellow was walking through Central Park in New York and was astonished to see an old man, fishing rod in hand, fishing over a beautiful bed of lilies. “Tch Tch!” said the passer-by to himself. “What a sad sight. That poor old man is fishing over a bed of flowers. I’ll see if I can help.” So the kind fellow walked up to the old man and asked, “What are you doing, my friend?”

“Fishin’, sir”. “Fishin’, eh? Well how would you like to come have a drink with me?”

The old man stood, put his rod away and followed the kind stranger to the corner bar. He ordered a large glass of beer and a fine cigar. His host, the kind fellow, felt good about helping the old man, and he asked, “Tell me, old friend, how many did you catch this morning?” The old fellow took a long drag on the cigar, blew a careful smoke ring and replied, “You are the sixth today, sir!”

Question Of Nationality

A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden. “Look at their reserve, their calm,” muses the Brit. “They must be British.”  “Nonsense,” the Frenchman disagrees. “They’re naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French.”  “No clothes, no shelter,” the Russian points out, “they have only an apple to eat, and they’re being told this is paradise. They are Russian.”

Old Love

An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge in Cincinnati he asked her, ‘What did you steal?’
She replied, ‘A can of peaches.’

The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches and she replied that she was hungry.

The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.
The judge then said, ‘I will then give you 6 days in jail.’

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman’s husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.
The judge said, ‘What is it?’

The husband said, ‘She also stole a can of peas.’

On opening his new store, a man received a bouquet of flowers. He was dismayed on reading the enclosed card, that it expressed “Deepest Sympathy”. While puzzling over the message, his telephone rang.

It was the florist, apologizing for having sent the wrong card. “Oh, it’s alright” said the storekeeper.  “I’m a businessman and I understand how these things can happen.” “But,” added the florist, “I accidentally sent your card to a funeral party.”

“Well, what did it say?” asked the storekeeper. “Congratulations on your new location,” was the reply.

If You Love Something, Set It Free

If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours. If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.

If it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place . . . You either married it or gave birth to it.
Half-Price Airfair
For Wives

An airline recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives accompanying their husbands on business trips. Anticipating some valuable testimonials, the airline’s publicity department sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip. The responses are still pouring in asking, “What trip?”

I Hardly Know You

Chad nervously approached his girlfriend’s father and said “Excuse me, Mr. Scott, but there is something I want to ask you.” “Well, of course, young man”, the proud father replied. “You have my full blessing. My daughter’s happiness is all I want.”

“Blessing, sir?” Chad stammered. “Yes, of course. You want to marry my daughter, right?” Mr. Scott said.

“Uh, no sir, that’s not it.” said Chad. “Actually, my car payment is due, and I’m a little short until payday, and I wanted to know if I could borrow fifty dollars until Friday.” “Heck no!” yelled Mr. Scott. “I hardly know you.”

Best Of Relationships

A man goes to see his Rabbi about a problem he is having. “Something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it,” says the man. “What’s the matter?” asks the Rabbi, sensing that there is a serious problem.

“My wife is poisoning me!” exclaims the man. Stunned, the Rabbi asks, “How can that be?” “I’m telling you that I’m certain that she’s poisoning me,” replies the man.

The Rabbi puts his hand on the man to comfort him and says, “Let me talk to her. I’ll see what I can find out
and let you know.”

A week later the Rabbi calls the man. “Well I spoke to your wife. I called her on the phone and spoke toher for four hours. Would you like my advice?” “Yes, please,” requests the man. The Rabbi pauses and then says, “Take the poison.”

Willing And Able

Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die early.

The little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said, “I’m so happy to see you grandma. Now maybe daddy will do the trick he has been promising us.”

The grandmother was curious.

“What trick is that my dear?” she asked.

The little boy replied, “I heard daddy tell mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit us again.”

The Politician And The Puzzle

A friend walks into the office of a leading politician and sees the politician whooping and hollering. “What’s the matter, Sir?” The friend inquires.

“Nothing at all.  I just finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time!” The politician beamed.

“How long did it take you?”

“Well, the box said ’3 to 5 years’ but I did it in a month!”

Dinner Disaster

A couple trying to break into society hosted a dinner party.

As the guests were enjoying their dinner salad, the maid called the hostess from the table. The maid informed her that the cat had climbed on the kitchen table and eaten a large portion of the salmon’s mid- section.

The hostess decided to fill the eaten portion with some canned salmon and other camouflage.

As the guests were enjoying the fish, the maid called the hostess into the kitchen and announced while wringing her hands, “Madam, the cat is dead.”

The hostess and her husband informed the guests and suggested it might be best if everyone went to the hospital and had their stomachs pumped.

Returning home, the couple asked the maid where she had put the cat. “It is still out on the road where the car ran over it.”

Health And Happiness

An old man walking along the beach spies an old bottle.

Upon opening it, out pops a genie.

The genie, being grateful for being released to freedom, offers to grant the old man two wishes.

The old man says: “I’d like something that will bring me health and then
I’d like a date with a famous movie star.”

After he gets home, he finds ten cases of canned chicken soup on his doorstep.

Later the doorbell rings…

It’s Lassie

Leadership Test

While visiting England, an important  Minister from Sri Lanka  is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people.

The Sri Lankan Minister asks how she knows if they’re intelligent.

“I do so by asking them the right questions,” says the Queen. “Allow me to demonstrate.”

Lanka’s top politician watches as the Queen phones Tony Blair and says, “Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question: your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?”

Tony Blair responds, “It’s me, ma’am.”

“Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir,” says the Queen. She hangs up and says, “Did you get that, Mr. Minister?”

The  Sri Lankan Minister nods: “Yes ma’am. Thanks a lot. I’ll definitely be using that!”

The Minister, upon returning to Colombo, decides he’d better put the tests to one of his advisors, who is also the chairman of a high powered state committee  “Advisor, I wonder if you can answer a question for me.”

“Why, of course, sir. What’s on your mind?”

The Minister  poses the question to the Advisor: “Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?”

The Advisor hems and haws and finally asks, “Can I think about it and get back to you?”

The Minister  agrees, and the Advisor leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other senior political advisors, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, the Advisor calls the editor of a newspaper in Colombo and explains his problem.

“Now lookee here, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?”

The Editor answers immediately, “It’s me, of course.”

Much relieved, the Advisor rushes back to the Ministerial residence and, finds the Minister, and exclaims,

“I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It’s the Editor of …. the newspaper!”

And The Minister replies in disgust, “Wrong, you dumb fool, it’s Tony Blair!”

Once upon a time, there was an officer of the Royal Navy named Captain Bravado who showed no fear when facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the Seven Seas, his lookout spotted a pirate ship approaching, and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravado bellowed, “Bring me my red shirt!”

The first mate quickly retrieved the Captain’s red shirt, and while wearing the brightly colored frock, the Captain led his crew into battle and defeated the mighty pirates.

That evening, all the men sat around on deck recounting the triumph of earlier. One of them asked the Captain, “Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?” The Captain replied, “If I were to be wounded in the attack, the shirt would not show my blood. Thus, you men would continue to fight, unafraid.”
All of the men sat and marveled at the courage of such a manly man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The crew stared in worshipful silence at the Captain and waited for his usual orders.

Captain Bravado gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his ship, and without fear, turned and calmly shouted, “Get me my brown pants.”
______________________________________________________________________________

A Complete Job

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it. We went to the service  department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door.

As I watched from the passenger’s side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered  it was open. “Hey,” I announced to the technician, “It’s open!” “I know,” answered the young man. “I already got that side.”
________________________________________________________________________________

Heaven and Hell

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat
was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human, it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, “When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah”.

The teacher asked, “What if Jonah went to hell?” The little girl replied, “Then you ask him”.

Student: Because George still had the ax in his hand.

From the heaven above

The ten year old’s  new baby brother was screaming up a storm. He asked his parents, ” From where did we get my baby brother?” The parents said, “from heaven.”

“Oh! now, I can see why they threw him down here.”

Is this love?

A little  boy saw a pregnant woman and he asked her, “What is in your tummy?” The pregnant woman answered “my baby”

Then the little boy asks  her again “Do you love your baby?”

And the  pregnant woman answers “Yes, very very much!”

“I don’t believe you,” says the little boy, “If you love your baby why did you eat it?”